Strictly for cat's lover only

I can't believe my cat died. He was my mum's favourite. We bought him from SPCA some three years ago after falling in love with his two-coloured eyes, one yellow and the other one blue. He has never been outside his own cage, for his live surrounded within the reasonable-sized cage since he was being picked up by someone at the market when he was kitten. At first, he was having difficulties to adapt with his newly-found freedom.

Nonetheless, he was adapting quite fast and quickly he became an instant hit amongst us, especially my mum. He has been there for her during her difficult times when she was separated for awhile with my dad. My dad, having to be away due to his work, leaving her alone in the house as all her children were also away most of the times.

My mum, of course, loved the infatuation. He would anxiously waited for her to come home and followed her everywhere, even to the toilet! At night she would tuck him to sleep next to her and she sometimes refused to be away from him even for one day.

One day, my dad was diagnosed with asthma. This happened after he returned back from having his monthly check-up for his diabetic level. During his first two months after being diagnosed with asthma, he was miserable. He would cough and sneeze almost all the times, and hard, that during my weekend trip to the house, I was worried his nose would come off from his face.

Naturally, my cat was no longer allowed to have a sleepover with my mum. She was having difficulty to adapt with the changes that my dad had no choice but to surrender by sleeping at the living room, just to let the cat sleeps with her.

I was having difficulties leaving them outside, as I know there were few stray dogs hanging out, loitering, causing havoc all over our little town. I remember there was one time where I went outside to lock the door after returned from home in the middle of the night when I saw a bunch of low-life stray dogs, about 4, 5 of them, howling and barking. There were having another fight, a useless one with each other as any other day.

Suddenly I noticed that they were actually surrounding this one poor cat, all alone, having to fight all by himself, against double, even triple his size. That cat was white in colour and instantly I thought it was my cat, that particular cat. My instinct was to rush there and to save him. As I unlocked back the keys, (and having difficulties doing that) I saw this one dog tried to drag the cat off. I could see that the cat, terrified but tried to defend himself in spite that he was losing.

My friend said I was mad for having to do what I did. I could get bitten by those dogs who were obviously in vicious state. But I have thought of nothing else but to save him, to protect him. After all, he has always been the coward cat, for seeing the mouse he would jump off his feet, running away like girls.

And as I reached there, the dogs were already dragged him off and fled the scene. I was shaking like a leaf and thinking of the worse; that I failed to save my mum’s fav cat.

Thankfully, that night, my cat’s life was spared. As I shivered, trying to hold my cry, he came out from my neighbour’s house, quite clueless as to what had happened and swept off my feet with his body. Though I pitied the cat that was dragged, but I felt relief that it was not one of my cats.

I then brought all of my cats (5 of 'em) inside the house, much to my dad’s dismay. I felt thankful enough that night, but I knew somehow, I can’t keep on protecting them forever. I frightfully waited for that time to come.

And somehow, it happened.

It happened last two days, on the Christmas Eve. My younger brother said that he heard commotion amongst the stray dogs around 3-4.30 a.m. I was out that night, and came home around that time but I didn't see or hear anything when I reached home, not even the one dog or its howling. And even as I reached home, I didn't go to sleep just yet, but I really didn’t hear anything.

Can you imagine that he was outside, struggling for his life, when I was inside, comfortably watching TV, not doing anything.

I know it was not my fault, for not having to realise that. But I can’t help it. I thought I could protect them, as I have done that before this, but I failed.

That morning my mum came rushing to my room. She was in tears and said that our beloved cat has died. I went downstairs, ran as fast as I could and saw he was already wrapped up in a newspaper, about to be buried by my dad's friend. I saw his shocked-state face, his face looked terrified still, evident enough without having to imagine what he has to endure that night, defending helplessly alone.

As I saw his body were all covered with teeth bite-marks, I felt on my knees, blaming myself, and tried not to cry as hard as I knew it would be more difficult for my mum to cope.

My mum definitely devastated the most. She loved him just as much as he loved her, none in comparison. Even my neighbour loved him. He was out jogging that morning when he saw the cat was lying in the middle of the road, lifeless. He brought back to our home, for fearing that the cat would be run over by car and informed us where he saw the cat.

Now, after several days, it was still hard to accept. Especially on my mum. I myself having trouble from having to avoid staring at the spot where he used to sleep and how I would interrupt his sleep by tickling him, kissing him as he liked that. My mum, until now, thought he was still here, accompany her in her sleep. She would wake up in the middle of the night, thinking that the comforter was him, sleeping near her feet as usual.

This post is my tribute in remembering him. Daniel.

Money, money, money

Yesterday, I watched this new released movie, “IP Man” recently with few friends. I have to admit it was not my kind of movies. But, surprisingly it was to my liking as I was quite impressed with the movie.

The chronological as well as the history of China and its people, in my opinion are rather off the trail, I gotta say. But, anyway, I’m not gonna comment about the authenticity of the history in the movie. After all, it’s a story, not a documentary movie. I was rather intrigued with the lifestyle of the people in the past, especially during the pre-Japanese invasion in 1940 something in China in the movie.

It showed here, quite evidently, the status of the person was very much depended on his Kung-fu skills. It’s amazing how people looked highly upon their Kung-fu Master. They gained respect due to their strengths, agilities and capabilities in their Kung-fus. And people loved them because of his personality and the charismatic leaderships to lead his people. Sure, some of them self-proclaimed to be one of the best of Kung-fu Masters, do abuse their power and resort themselves into violence and suppressing those who are weaker than them for their own purposes, but there is one well-respected Master, the IP man, so they called, was truly a person who was potrayed as someone with true sense of leadership in his own class.

It reminded me of one of my favourite movie, “The Last Samurai” (I know, I know people hated Tom Cruise in this movie). It showed that they would die in honouring their dignity as well as their people. They showed no fear whatsoever with the fact that they were about to go into the battle with only a handful of them, and to confront their enemy almost in triple-sized batallions with one of the most advanced ammo(s) and military equipments at the time, much in pale comparison with what the samurai had as a defence.

The IP man gave the the same sense of such harsh reality as the Samurai as potrayed in the “The Last Samurai”. The movie further displayed, as the Japanese guy drawn an open fire upon the Kung-fu Master despite that he (the latter) has won the fight against the General, it proved to show that the bare hands were no match to such powerful weapon. He succumbed to the near defeat but the ego struck within him that he would rather die than having to surrender to the enemy.

That’s what we would call men’s ego. And it’s so ironic to see that such ego seemed perfect, as his action were almost dignified with everything he believed in, and it was approved by the rest of his people.

Nowadays, men are pure egoist; the ego to be the best and powerful but it only circled around themselves. I’m not saying that to have an ego is a bad thing, as each person, regardless whether you are a man or woman, we do, shamefully have to admit to the fact that we have our own filthy egos. But can we truly believe that our ego could gain the same respect as them in the past?

As I walked out from the cinema, I can’t help it but to wonder what our society has become. The fact that the men were looked upon based on how much money that they have in their bank, what car they drove, what brand they choose to flaunt their appearances; the shirts, the pants, the watch, the wallet; or which shop they go to cut hair or do facial or which place they hang out to see and be seen.

They were also based on the powerful-circled friends; how many and how powerful they are. And their girls were obviously amongst the well-off family and they ought to have the specified looks as well as the right body just to secure themselves within the powerful circle.

It doesn’t matter now whether the man has a brain to work with. Apparently it doesn’t matter anymore. What I’m trying to say is, that’s how the people nowadays perceived another and we could even put a price to it in order to reach a certain status symbol. People in the past, (as displayed in the movie) has elevated their status based on their kung-fu skills and worked their way up to gain such respect and eventually became one of the respected man in the village. Nowadays, people could gain one by simply buying it off.

Note:
I think I’m gonna agree with my dear friend of mine. She used to say that you could even buy friends when you have the money. Well, what do you know..

Terima Kasih!!

Terima kasih yang tak terhingga kepada ibu saya yang telah melahirkan saya dan bapa saya yang telah bersusah payah membesarkan saya sehingga segempal ini. Terima kasih saya juga ditujukan kepada adik-beradik saya yang walaupun tidak mempunyai apa-apa sumbangan dalam kejayaan saya yang lulus di dalam peperiksaan saya yang lepas ini, tetapi ingatan masih kepada mereka kerana kemungkinan saya telah mengambil sebahagian besar gen pandai keluarga kami.

Penghargaan juga diberikan kepada rakan-rakan seperjuangan LLB 1 dan 2. Terima kasih diatas ilmu-ilmu yang mencurah-curah sehingga adakalanya terlalu tekun sehingga menimbulkan ke "konfiusan" untuk soalan-soalan mudah seperti apa itu "arrest" boleh meleret-leret sehingga ke apa makanan yang patut diberi kepada tahanan-tahanan reman yang tidak lagi relevan lagi meng "konfiusing" kan saya. Namun, dengan adanya debat-debat khas begini telah membuka mata saya yang senantiasa mengantuk ini tentang subjek-subjek yang mencabar tahap kebosanan dan minda.

Juga tidak lupa kepada para pensyarah yang tidak jemu-jemu memberi ilmu yang sepatutnya dan sabar menghadapi kerenah pelajar-pelajar yang sering menghabiskan wang PTPTN dan tenaga untuk selalu ber "hu ha" dan malas/mengantuk di dalam kelas tetapi masih sabar dan tekun mengajar sehingga saat akhir. Terima kasih daun keladi, esok kita jumpa lagi. Eh, salah la pulak

Terima kasih diatas tepukan berdiri (standing ovation) anda semua, semua ini mengharukan. Sob, sob (Menangis terharu sekejap). Maaf, saya tak pandai berbahasa Inggeris, saya bersuara bodoh bila bercakap dalam bahasa Inggeris.

How to lose a friend

Be careful when you upload your picture on the Internet.

It happened to me recently when I found out that someone has been accessing my FB’s picture. He took almost all my profile pictures and sandwiched it in between the pictures into one frame as his wallpaper or some sort. I was literally in horror when I first look at the picture which has the picture of me all over it.

And that person happens to be a dear friend of mine.

I didn’t know that a person can simply grab your picture without your knowledge. I guess he saved it straight from the picture itself to his and I have absolutely no idea that it could be done that way.

The first time I found out I was so upset and angry with what he had done. It would be fine if I knew or he has the pictures within my knowledge. But the thing that I'm angry the most is not because he took it without me knowing, but it happened to be the person whom I entrusted as a friend; someone I allowed to enter into my life, share my dirty little secrets, when in fact, in the end he has been using all that for his own benefits and advantages.

I know I may sound easy to talk about my problems freely to someone close to me. I guess that it’s my way of releasing myself from the pain or tension. But with him, I let out the true me and trusted him by exposing my flaws and my problems with honest intention as a friend should be.

And, to realize that all these times he actually never intended to be one and has been secretly into me (I have trouble saying THE word out loud), I felt betrayed in every sense that I could never look into his eyes the same ever again.

I didn’t know what he did or planning to do with all those pictures. To me, to a certain extent, it’s true, that having a secret admirer is fun and ‘geli-tapi-suka’ feeling (I know, stupid), but having an admirer who's turned out to be the so-called friend, secretly has been keeping your picture when all the while pretended to be my friend is NOT, in fact it’s creepy. There’s a reason why a person can be a friend only, and not special. Maybe in some ways he understood the rejection that he would get that he resort to something as nasty as that.

The day I came to know about it, I didn’t confront him about my discovery. I chickened out from having him to know the fact that it hurts me more than anything else. Eventually for some reasons, he knew that it would be too late for him to tell me how he feels but nonetheless took his chance. But before he went far, I made it clear that it would never happen between us. I gave no reasons nor the opportunity for him to say otherwise. I know I sound harsh, but what choice do I have?

The same day he returned back my sweater which I thought was gone missing when we had lunch at the restaurant few months back. I asked him where he got it but he only replied with his ‘wicked’ smile. I was so shocked but I couldn’t do anything to express my anger or the bravery to confront him that in the end I pretended that ‘it’s no big deal’, that he happened to recover it back by coincidence.

Deep inside, I was outraged by his behaviour. I can’t help but having this strong feeling that the particular sweater has been in his possession all these while. And only God knows what happen to my poor sweater. It’s unfortunate that I have problem wearing it now. It feels weird.

When it comes to think about it, when I gathered all the things that have happened between us, it fits perfectly. His weird behaviour, like his constant jealousy towards my other guy friend, having the need to be alone with me and his peculiar choice of words to me all these times proved to show that he has some feelings for me.

But I know it’s not going to be easy for me to completely get rid of him. But one thing for sure, the trust has been broken and I could never allow it to be amended no matter what.

Consequently, I deleted him from my FB’s friend’s lists.

Sengal

I just arrived at my kampung to celebrate AidilAdha when I got a message from a friend of mine. He wanted to ask me about something that is personal. Being a good friend, I was concerned so I persuaded him to let it off his chest and tell me.

He asked me about girl-thing. Which was weird, because he never opened up to anything resemblance to making him look less cool or gay-ish. But he did that night and I was more than happy to help him out. Or more like happy to busybody.

He hesitantly began asking me.

“Saree, nak tanya ni. If perempuan merajuk, contohnya lah kau merajuk dengan aku, macam mana kau expect aku nak pujuk?”

Aiyaya. Standard guy-girl problem. Well, I guess with this kind of problem it won’t take long.

“Oh, depends lah macam mana relationship korang tu. Kau suka dia ke, or tak ke? Sebab if kau anggap dia kawan je then tak payah lah layankan sangat”, I said that with confident.

I said that confidently because he has been telling me about this girl before this, that he has somewhat complicated relationship with her. He told me that he regarded her as friend but then the girl has been seeking his attention and would be all over him, sort of like hopeful to him but there would be times where she would disappear from him whenever she feels like it. Sort of like me, according to him, but I won’t comment more unless I know more about what is going on.

“Sebab itu lah aku tanya pendapat kau. Dia ni complicated sikit, if dia na layan, dia layan. If time dia tak nak layan, mampus aku terkontang-kanting kat sini. Sebab tu aku tak sure nak pujuk macam mana”.

Pulak. Lain aku tanye, lain pulak budak ni cakap.

I was starting to fell slightly annoyed by his answer. No wonder she got pissed off by him. But, then again, in the spirit of being a good friend, I confronted again the same question to him. Patiently. Because if he wanted to treat her as his friend, then there is no need to feed her sulking.

He then replied, and still not answering to my question. Instead, he went on about her not responding to his message.

At that point I was literally annoyed. I remember being all sarcastics to him.

“Well, if dia macam aku, then aku pun tak suka if aku cakap orang tak faham2. Pastu tanya2 cam orang sengal. Aku pun akan terasa annoyed”.

Amek ko.

“Sorry. It’s just that kitaorang selalu contact lately, so bila dia tak reply aku faham lah something’s wrong. Bila aku reply tanye dia buat bodoh je. Aku nak tahu apa aku patut buat?” '
Still not answering my question. But at least it’s going somewhere!

“So, kiranya kau selalu in contact dengan dia lah?”

“Yup. Nowadays dia start close ngan aku balik macam dulu. Aku message, call die selalu. And agak selalu lah jugak aku hang out ngan dia. Then aritu tengah mesej2 dia, aku tengah busy and then aku terblur dengan soalan dia that tetibe dia macam emo. And sekarang dia senyap je, aku mesej pun dia tak reply langsung, terus senyap. Macam tak best.”

“Means kau suka dia lah, sengal”. “tak best macam dulu", konon. Cit

“Eh, bukanlah. Aku anggap dia macam kawan je, Cuma, dia tu suka bla, bla bla...” At that point it didn’t matter, and I can’t bear to hear any those denial part. Skip and scan.

“So, then kau try lah pujuk dia betul2. Call lah dia, tapi jangan lah dia tak angkat kau kena call sampai 20-30 kali. Pujuk lah cara betul, as you mean it”. At this point I was very sleepy to continue on. It was past midnight and I was really tired from the 4 hours of driving that my mind can't process any creative thoughts anymore.

“Tapi,...”. Oh No.. Again, he doubted that could change her mind. Again, it got stuck to where it started. Sometimes, some problems between couple are not something I’m excelled at, or rather, not interested. I myself failed when it comes to maintaining a relationship.

I know at that point I would never be able to convince him to do otherwise. Desperate to get my beauty sleep, I then replied back to him, and it was almost 4 pages long messages, suggesting that it was the best thing he should do, since it was obvious he liked this girl despite her unstable mood. I was giving all my best yet advice to him and that he ought to follow it or else he could lose her. What a drama. Oh well, you know what they say. “Fake it till you make it”. Till he stop bugging me that is.

He understood what it means and agreed to let me go that night.

He texted me that morning. Figured it was a “thank-you/good morning/Selamat Hari Raya Haji(at least!)” message. Instead, it went something like this,

“So, kau rasa aku patut tak pujuk dia arini?”



I have thought of becoming a murderer that day.

stress

Ark!!

I still haven't found someone to fill my place at my rent home. Obviously the decision to change room from my present room (which is the main bedroom to the middle room) has been my latest stupid decision eva.

I honestly thought it would be an easy things to do. Because the home that I'm renting right now is a popular choice amongst the student of my Uni since it was only nearby. So I was thinking to myself, "it can't be that hard, right?". WRONG.

Now it is due and I have to pay in advance for the middle room since it has yet being occupied which means I have to pay for two stupid rooms which I don't even leave at this moment (because now it's a semester break)

This thing has caused so much stress for me. I'm soo stressed right now I can't even sleep. And what's more, as I'm depressing here in front of this computer, I saw at the corner of my eyes the last thing I need. It's a cat poo produced by my stupid and ignorant cat and it's all over the places right now. I think he has some sort of stomach ache, having to produced such an amount of taik there which it's fine if it's just an ordinary poo, hard and with shape.

But it was totally the opposite which I have no choice but to do the clean-up after this. A long one to clean-up the mess.

Thank you bb for making my life more miserable.

Ark!! I 'm soo stress!

Just a thought

The situation that happened in Mumbai recently has got me thinking about the movie that I saw last year. I vaguely recalled the name of the movie, but if I'm not mistaken it’s called “Paradise”. The director is Palestanian and the story itself is about two Palestanian young guys who were recruited to cross into Tel Aviv to become a suicide bomber. I think it was a nice change from having to watch all those pro-Israeli especially in the Hollywood movies. In fact this movie has caused a stir especially amongst the Jewish group all over the world whom have always being perceived by the Western media as victims.

The movie showed the preparation they have made before they embarked on their journey. Mind that they did not enter the Israeli state easily as doing all the ‘cop’, ‘cop’ at the immigration and it's done. And the fact due to the circumstances, the possibility of Palestanian to enter the Israel with ambition to bomb away the Israel people is wide, they had to encounter such hindrances, the challenges in which they have to face first.

So these two young guys were all prepared to be the messengers by God and determined to die as martyr. And in due course of undergoing that path, the director, in all fairness was able to invoke the audience’s thought as to what goes into the mind of these suicide bombers. Indeed they were struggling within them as to whether it's going to worth it.

There is one particular young man who was being potrayed as strong-headed, was angered to the fact that his people have been killed in their struggle to maintain their homeland from being forsaken by the Israeli, whom they claimed that “your country does not exist” and was determined to do something to get back to them at any sense.

It wrenched your heart to see here and as potrayed in this movie the condition of the remaining Palestine land. You could see that at one hand the Palestin land look nothing less like a deserted area, it was dark as it was clouded by dust and dirty all over the road. It looked just like this ‘war-zone’-area in the movie you have seen with buildings that were wrecked beyond recognition and yet there are actually families living inside that buildings, their home after it has been bombed away by the Israeli days before.

And on the other side, the self-proclaimed Israel land, there were palm trees near the beach, people taking a stroll with their happy family and beautiful, beautiful buidings almost everywhere. It was almost a resemblance to “Miami” or Beverly site in the US (as if I have been to those places. Well, I watched TV).

It was so beautiful, but yet after seeing the differences, you can’t help it but feeling sick to your stomach to see that people is actually doing to other people, occupied the other people’s land just like that. And not only that, they used suppression and various forms of violence to occupy the land that was not even theirs to begin with. And the Palestanian does not even have army and literally had to use their own hand to throw a bunch of rocks to the Israeli’s tank and what-not.

I remember the article that I read on Discovery’s magazine few years before. There is one particular family that was forced to evict from their own house by the Israeli. They had nowhere to go and were living off the street not far from their own then house and in the article it has a photo which showed their then house were now being occupied by the Israeli family. Though the land was (still at the time) Palestanian land but nonetheless it was guarded heavily by the Israeli army. You can also see that in the picture that house was the only nice house there in the area and it was surrounded by nothing, nothing at all but all dirts and wrecked buildings.

I don’t know what goes into the mind of the Israeli family that lived there but one thing for sure, they sure to have the heart as cold as ice. To take away things which are not yours in first place and yet could bear to see the view of others being suffered, slaughtered everyday by the Israeli army which only a mere metre away from you, is something you cannot imagine but yet it happened, in fact it happened everyday.

We may not realised it, in fact sometimes I also forgot that this is what happened in the other side of the world.

We may think that well, it’s easy than being said and done and that’s probably true. If not, there wouldn’t be any killing of innocent people in the name of religion. The things that have happened in Mumbai recently should not have happened in first place if we know the first thing to be civilised.

But then again, we may not understand the circumstances that they personally have to endure, the pain and the personal struggle not only to maintain the integrity of your country, but yourself. At the end of the movie it showed that as he strapped himself with the bomb pack and to detonate it inside the bus, he was still under the dilemma as to whether to go ahead with it or not.

Nonetheless, he eventually for some reasons did not proceed with the plan and it was a personal battle to survive thereon, basically. (I’m sorry if I may mislead the story since it has been awhile since I watched the movie, I have the memory as weak as gold fish)

However, I remember the scene where his girlfriend has persuaded him before not to go through with the plan. Maybe that has got him thinking that while he may make such sacrifice, it would be so small in comparison as to what will happen then; the Israeli army would use it as excuse to attack their homeland, once again.

To retaliate back, and to retaliate to those who are innocent would only be an act or cowardice. How true and how people could see that in that view.

That's just mean

Yesterday, I went to Shah Alam to settle some matters regarding my house rental. And to then hang out with few friends.

I dropped by my house there to pick up my housemate for breakfast and as soon as she saw me, the first things she said was,“Eh, nape kurus da ni, muke pun da cengkung, ni pasal food poisoning aritu ke?”

Hehe.

“Eh, mane ade. Makan cam biase je. Lagila cuti ni, asek makan tidur, makan tidur, rasenya makin gemuk adela”, I said to her. I was pretending that her comment meant nothing, but in actuality, I was smiling like crazy inside. Hua ha ha

She denied it persistently and insisted that I have lost weight. She did ask me for a tip and I confidently said I did nothing ever since the holiday started but eat like horse.

But I did put it in a way as if though I may eat like a lot, but I eat food that are good for your health. As if that holds any truth. Just before I left home I had my nasi lemak and ayam goreng.

I was beyond myself because she rarely noticed on such thing, which has just made my day which was lousy these days. My mind went wild to the extent of thinking of wearing my tight jeans that was not fit before to go with sexy tops and to show my killer body. Boy, THAT was fast.

One thing that I most paranoid of, is obviously my weight. It might due to the fact that I used to be on my “slightly heavy” side and I was constantly on every single diet regime there is in the world just to lose weight. Though my obsession to lose weight may not be the same as before, but for those who are close, or not to me, they all know that I would go crazy if I put a pound. Heck, I would nag my friend for hours just because she was sleeping after eating lunch with me and I would convince all my friends to drink green tea to help their digestion.

Anyway, whilst I was smiling to that comment made by her, we went ahead to get our breakfast. But before we did that, I went to pick my other friend to join us. I was wondering to myself what comment he would made to me, kikiki.

To my surprise (yeah, right), he said something to me that would crash my little heart, uhuk.


“Eh, makin tembam ar ko cuti ni, buat ape, makan kuda ari2 ke?”.



..........



Some guys are just mean.

My experience

I just came back from the state of K. Instead of enjoying the holiday, all I did was sleeping my way up, right from KL-K to K-KL. It was crazy!

Well, I think it's not my fault why I did not enjoy the trip at all. First, it was pouring down there and you can't do much outings. Urgh, I hate rain.

Second, I suffered from food poisoning and although it was not as bad as before, but I was up all nights and was throwing up every hour.

So, when my mum decided to take us to Bak Pai (or something like that) near the Malaysia-Thai border, I was "happy" to tag along. Yay! (NOT!). She said it would be a good experience for me just to take a glimpse of what the true Siam market is. I don't even know what my mum is trying to say sometimes. Mum! You know that I was sick, right? Arghh..

I have to admit here that I didn't always have good relationship with my mother. More often than not, I disagree with her more than anyone else in the house and I did take her comments personally because she often attacked on my personal affairs. In fact, we had our disagreement before which has lasted several months and only recently we got better. At least that what I was hoping.

I know that being a mum, she constantly worries about her girls. And we, as her daughters did not help to ease it by at least sharing our stories with her.

Sometimes, I noticed that she would repeating herself with the same old stories, only in different version. Like when she met someone at her club meetings and that person told her about some old lame jokes, she would then repeat it back to us, again and again just so that she would get our respond. A laugh, or any feedback. It became a norm in our house that not one of us realise that anymore.

The same things happened at the Siam Market. Anyway, at that point, I was actually in agony, throwing up every hour that I can barely lift up my eyes. She then did some encouragement by referring to her similar experience (back when she was out-stationed in Jakarta few weeks before), and said that it was a lot worst but, NONETHELESS, she acted like a soldier and managed to enjoy the trip and went all over the place. She makes sure that I hear every bit of it, and boy, she sure likes to talk a lot. The same here I like to write long.

We eventually arrived at the market. It took us there by boat (just to get there!) and it didn't worth the trip at all.

I know, I know I sound all grumpy but, heh, it was so tiring. When we arrived, it started to rain and it got worst. There were sights of lightning and the roadside was getting smellier and filthy. The trench was filled with trash and I could see mouse and whatever that is everywhere. I can't stand for even one second that I decided to stay at the bench near the bank while waiting for another boat to take us back.

But my mum, she was optimistic and excited to go for a walk despite the heavy rain. She asked me to tag along, but I was in grumpy mood and I did ignore her few times and look at other way when she talked to me. She sighed and then asked my youngest brother to follow her instead, followed by my father.
So there I was, sitting there and looking at the passerby, anxiously waiting to go back.

Then I saw this particular couple with their small child behind me and instantly I took interest on them. The couple is relatively young, probably in their early 20's and they already have a child. My first impression was that they seemed (weirdly) happy and content.

I couldn't figure out was so exciting giving the circumstances of the place. But they sure were enjoying themselves, laughing away at the smalllest, smallest things and even happy when the light struck.

Suddenly, I remembered my own childhood.

When I was around 4 to 6 years old, my family lived at the mass (since both of my parent were army officers). It was basically a flat-based and on top of it was a reservoir and I often used it as my little secret camp where I used to play hide and seek with my sister and few friends.

There was one time when it was raining heavily. We could also hear the thunder roaring above us but we were not afraid at all by that. In fact, we were dancing like crazy, not knowing that it was dangerous to even be there at such heights and under such heavy rain.

Then I saw thunder striking the tree nearby down and we can clearly see the damage it has done as we looked in an awe.

Suddenly, I saw my mum, shouting my name and my sister's, and I can see from the top of the flat, down below she was on frantic search and was running around the flats. I could also see several people who tried to calm her down and they were also wandering in the rain, searching for us.

Not realising what was going on, I waved and shouted at her that I just saw the light struck out the tree.

She then climbed up the flights and immediately took us out from there. I remembered she was looking straight into my eyes, her angry face and she was in tears. I could also see her eyes were filled with fears, and that "what would happen if I slipped?", "what would happen if something bad happened to us?" look. Just the thought of it has made her went wild. And all those fears, her anxieties were summed up by just one look on her face. I was only 4 or 5 years at the time, and yet I could understand her fears.

And now, after some 20 years later, I was supposed to be at the heights of maturity, yet I failed to see her frustration in me as her act of love towards me.

I keep on pushing her aside and away from my life. She has to repeat herself just to get attention which has kept me thinking, "What kind of daughter am I?".

I did not repay her the way she deserve it, yet I was so selfish to think that I was being outcast by her.

I had to be reminded by others to realise that.

I was truly grateful to have been reminded by them, albeit a stranger. Before this, I keep on thinking that there was something missing in my life, not realising that the thing that have been missing was actually the relationship that I used to have with my mum.

With just that tiny experience that I had with them, I then slowly walked my way up through that filthy roadside of Siam's market and searched for my mother.

yawn

I'm soo bored..

Well, I guess that when you are used to the hectic schedule, you will feel kinda stuck as to what you are supposed to do next. It's not like I used to make plans for every single things in my life, but I was hoping that I did that. At least I'm not as bored as I am now.

In addition to that, I AM that lazy. It has been awhile since I was excited to hang out and meet friends. Some people said that I've been feeling like that because I was reacting to the female hormones, whatever that is.

But what they don't seem to understand is, I am not 21, or 23 anymore. I don't have the same energy or enthusiasm as I was. I am now circled around people who is a lot younger than me and that is probably the reason why some people said I did not act my age.

It's not my choice to be here. But then again, I did not say it because I was regretting my path or being ungrateful jerk. Maybe I did not see the light behind it just yet, but I can't help but wonder what would my life be if I was already a someone's wife, or a mother or someone with successful career path. Like most of my friends did. Or planned to.

But I am a true believer of qada' and qadar. I know I just have to pass through this transition in my life. I know I have to be patient, it's just going to be for a little while. But I hope other people would understand that while I may not act my age, but I am that ordinary 26 years old gurl. I don't think differently than them and I wish people would stop saying "I know, but it's fine" to me.

it's a long one, but it's soo worth it

I finally got my revenge. Yay! It involves a "you-know-who"

Well, actually, I already made some plans beforehand to make my proper revenge, including pretending to be sorry that I want him back and even post in on my blogs and at the end, I would confront him and go, "I know what you did", BOOM!!!

But in the end, maybe I was too tired to play games with someone who is not worthy, so I decided to send a letter instead of seeing him. He has wasted my time and energy before and I think it's not fair for me to waste another for him. Now, it may sound as if I was angry because I still have feelings for him, but actually it wasn't the case. For what it's worth, I would justify my action right here and right now.

Now, he is someone that I used to get involved with. I can't say that I'm truly happy with him since he did not exactly treat me any better. But nonetheless we were together once upon a time. But I noticed that he has man ego which I should take notice to that. To be fair, all guys have their own egos, even the girls, but for a guy with that certain ego, he would go to the certain extent of acting up for the purpose of satisfying his revenge. He is someone who would think he could done better than others, say, if he thinks that I can get any guy I want, he also can do the same.

Recently I learned to know the real fact that he was actually has several relationships with girls when he was or after with me. I will tell you later why is it important as to was and after me. Now, I don't mind if he has friend who is a girl, but the way he claimed to be so innocent that he has no girl friends and lied to me the whole time is truly something that I cannot tolerate at all. I just don't understand why he has to do that, to lie to me in front of my face as if I was nothing.

After we broke up, I did try to make amend and even at certain point thought of saving it because I was under impression that I was the one to blame for the break-up. But I was never at any point lie to him about my status that I used to get involved with someone else after him and I remembered that he thought that I left him because of someone and he was clearly upset at that.

Little that I know at that point he was the one who actually did that..

He was involved with his ex when he was with me and I learned from his dear friend of his that he even brought the girl to his house. And here I was, thinking that I was to be blamed because he did not make any attempts to go back to me.

I honestly was under good intention to maintain good relationship despite it was over. I didn't have any hidden agenda aside from having him as friend, like I practised with my previous boyfriend. How would I know that he was playing with me.

Once, after that incidents, he told me, out of the blue that he was missing me and was angry at me because I did not even want to contact him or say hi whenever we bumped into each other. He was angry because he thought I already moved on and he cannot accept that.

I didn't know what he was up to and I didn't understand why he was angry. And I was quite stupid to feel sorry for doing that when he would be finishing his study after this, that I won't see him again after this, and yet I did that to him.

But, my conscious kept telling me otherwise and I managed to sort it out by confronting to his friend. To my surprise, he told me everything that confirmed everything. From his ex to his gf that he has now. And yet he still said those things to me. I feel kinda sorry for myself for actually believing in him, but for what it's worth, I was lucky that I didn't love to him as much as I thought I was. Nonetheless, the pain is still there and I can relate to people who has been cheated.

Such revealation truly has been an eye opening for me. I used to say that if you lied, sooner or later it will haunt you. How true, to see me in this circumstances, after being cheated he thought he could get away, but he was wrong. I was lucky to learn it now about his true color rather than before. Because for one, I don't have to think about what he has done all these times because it was already over and I already moved on with my life. I was lucky also for believing in my conscious to never trust him and never to give all my heart to him. Nonetheless I can't help it from having the feeling of getting my revenge for wasting my time and lying to me.

Because to me, now he is like a loser to me; to have relationship with his ex who has cheated him over another guy, and yet to be with her and to go out with her behind his current girlfriend, with her fetching him at his house is truly an act of a loser to me.

Until now I can't seem to pass the fact that I was actually involved with someone as loser as him. I was also stupid to realise it later, but I to be fair, my act was justified because at least when I was with him, I was true to myself and I maintain my integrity by saying that I am not the one who has caused the damage to the relationship. At least I did not lie just to save my sorry ass.

I guess I'm no better person myself. Before this, I honestly didn't understand why I never feel sad when it's over. Not even once did I cry. Maybe it was a sign from the One who is greater than me that something is clearly wrong. And how right it was. But still, I'd like to get my hands dirty on this and I know not many people can understand why I display it publicly when it could be something humiliating to me. But, I don't know why I don't see it that way. Maybe I was happy with my situation now and to think that I was no longer in a relationship that I can't even trust him.

So, as you can imagine the content of the letter itself by now, it was truly a relief for being able to channel my true feelings to him and also to myself. And because getting my revenge is so much sweeter than you think, for those who wanted to know who is this loser guy, then you are welcome to ask me personally and I would gladly tell his name. I think many people know who that is, but to display his name here would only render bad implications so far as I'm concerned. I don't want to get associated with him in any level whatsoever, but he ought to know that he should never underestimate me. The power of woman, eh? hehehe :D

hate those touche

I'm learning that not everyone can appreciate honesty. I was oblivious to my crazy-talk mouth that recently I realised that it did not end up the way I anticipate it, instead it has caused feelings of others were hurt and to the extent of jeopardising my friendship.

For example, I have this dear friend of mine who is in the relationship with this really sweet girl. She made an attempt to befriend with me and of course I did not mind that. During the short conversant that we had, obviously the issue about my good friend would come out. She would ask me what does he like and that sort of things. I didn't realise that when I talk, I would end up be the cause of their break-up. Now, then I didn't leak any secret to her, but then my "smart mouth" was blabbering on things that I was not supposed to get involved in first place. I started making my own "smart" comments on how she ought to appreciate my friend better and not take the relationship for granted since I know how crazy my friend was when he was with her. It was my fault obviously for saying things that was personal. I was trying to help out my friend but obviously it did not fall through the way I expected. Now she is avoiding me and I did not realise that until my friend told me that she was actually hurt by my comment.

I know sometimes, well almost all the times I would be saying things that I was not supposed or entitled to say it out loud. But sometimes, I cannot help it but being honest with myself first, regardless of people's feeling sometimes. I know it sounds harsh, but then again I'm too tired to be too careful with other's feelings when it does not necessarily bring satisfaction in them. In the end, we will all be getting the truth, but it's either we realise it or not. I decided to make a realisation earlier than later, because I hate the feelings of being cheated. By others or by me.

crazy days ahead

It feels so good just to be home. Eventhough it's only for a shortwhile, but it makes a lot of difference. I am looking forward to let loose even for one second, to run away from all the hassles and shortcomings especially for the past few days. Sometimes I think I'm being cursed by someone for all of my recent "bad lucks", but then again, I'm not entitled to blame others for my clumsy act, right?



I recently learned that; after all the things that have happened, all the issues that have been raised and all the shortcomings that I have to encounter, you will then only realise those who is truly care and be there when you are in trouble or in need. As much as you said you care, but at the end of the day, your action will justify the meaning of caring. So please don't blame me for not trusting you or stop caring for you anymore, ok. Very cryptic, huh? :p



p/s: someone told me that how come my blogs never contained hapy, hapy things but it's all about frustration and madness. hehe. well, I am too looking forward to say hapy, hapy things, but, by looking at these crazy times, well, only those who are positively optimistic (which I am doubtful those existence; i mean such person), would not go haywire as I am right now. How I wish I can remove all the troubles away..

enuf is enuf!

enuf is enuf!!

Just because I'm indecisive doesn't mean I will make a mistake

Just because I'm vulnerable doesn't mean I'll let others belittle me

Just because I choose, doesn't mean it's a wrong choice

Just because I look things differently than others doesn't mean I'm heading at wrong direction

I'm just trying to live my life, and f*%# to those who thinks they are better than me...

alkisah...

Tersebut alkisah hikayat ini berasal dari novel daripada sebuah negara padang pasir, diceritakan oleh seorang rakan kepada ku disaat bosan sambil makan kuih tak sedap depan TV. Dia menceritakan pengalamannya membaca sebuah buku yang kebetulan berada di perpustakaan sekolah kami dan begitu teruja untuk menceritakan kepadaku. Lalu aku pun memberi kebenaran untuk dia bercerita, apatah lagi kondisi aku ketika itu amatlah sangap dan penat setelah menghadapi pelbagai situasi di kelas sepanjang minggu.

Rakanku ini menyarankanku supaya, how to put it, “to have an open mind” bila mendengar ceritanya itu. Apa2 sajalah, so it begins.

Tersebut alkisah hikayat ini (again) menghikayatkan (betul ke?) keadaan masyarakat arab pada zaman dahulu. Di mana anak perempuan dimestikan duduk di rumah sehingga dilamar lelaki. (Which comes to think about it, if it were to occur in today’s world, how the guys are going to melamar if the girls never go out from the house?)

Anywho (huhu, suka lari topik), anak perempuan keluarga ini berlainan sekali dari yang lain; anak perempuannya disuruh untuk mengembala kambing dan ianya merupakan tugasan harian anak perempuan itu semenjak kecil lagi. Ini kerana, mereka tidak lagi mempunyai “breadwinner” setelah suami atau bapanya telah pergi meninggalkan mereka kerana tercekik tulang ikan 4 tahun dahulu (well, this is obviously a joke on my part. the novel is rather serious and the issue is big).

Apabila dia meningkat dewasa, maka, ramailah anak-anak teruna yang menginginkan untuk memperisterikannya (which I don’t understand why, I mean she just mengembala kambing di tengah panas dan kotor and there is nothing appealing about it, anyway, move on). Setelah mengscan lelaki2 yang bakal dijadikan suami itu, dia akhirnya memilih “Sampah” (bukan nama sebenar) sebagai kekasihnya dan mereka mula rapat dan selalulah mereka meng”spend” time together2. Namun, perkara yang tidak diingini berlaku. Dek kerana mengikut hawa nafsu setan, mereka telah melakukan perbuatan terlampau di sebuah pondok, dan akhirnya telah menyebabkan perempuan itu mengandung…

Melihatkan persekitaran perempuan itu yang hidup di kawasan perkampungan dan konservatif Arab, dia amat takut dengan pandangan masyarakat jika dia menyimpan bayi dalam kandungannya itu, dan yang paling ditakutkan ialah reaksi ibunya jika mengetahui hal yang sebenar. Tetapi dia tidak mempunyai pilihan lain, melainkan bersemuka dengan ibunya dan memberitahu hal keterlanjurannya itu dengan “sampah”. “Sampah”, seperti namanya itu, sudahpun cabut lari dari kampung itu dan telah meletakkan semua beban keatasnya seorang.

Ibunya apa lagi, bukan main marah alang kepalang melihatkan kebodohan anaknya yang tidak pandai itu. Sudahlah suaminya tiada lagi di dunia ini, dia pula dibebani dengan permasalahan sebesar gunung. Namun, seperti ibu-ibu yang lain, dia cekal dan bertegas untuk tidak membiarkan anaknya menanggung seorang diri, apatah lagi merelakan anaknya itu membuang anak di dalam kandungannya itu. Naluri keibuannya membantah sekeras-kerasnya cadangan untuk menggugurkan kandungan itu, namun dia juga malu dengan pandangan masyarakat jika diketahui ramai.

“Ibu, biarlah saya gugurkan kandungan ini sahaja”, kata anaknya itu sambil menangis teresak-esak. Ibunya dengan segera membantah, “Jangan kau berani hendak tentukan takdir anak itu pulak. Yang sudah itu, sudahlah, jangan kau nak menambahkan dosa kau itu lagi, nak”, kata ibunya and obviously perbualan itu di dalam bahasa Arab.

Si anak itu, berada dalam keadaan sedih dan gundah gulana telah pergi berjalan-jalan di pekan sambil memikirkan nasibnya dan anak yang bakal lahir itu. Dia tahu kesalahannya besar dan dia tak mampu untuk menambahkan dosanya terhadap Tuhan dengan menggugurkan anaknya itu. Di saat dia memikirkan kondisinya itu, dalam tidak sedar dia telah melintas jalan raya tanpa melihat kiri dan kanan. Sebuah lori kebetulan lalu di hadapannya dan tidak sempat membrekkan lorinya dan telah melanggar perempuan itu. Orang ramai cuba menolongnya namun dia telahpun dipanggil Tuhan disaat itu juga.

Seorang jiran perempuan itu kebetulan berada di tempat kejadian dengan segera berlari-lari anak kerumah perempuan itu untuk memberitahu berita kemalangan kepada ibu perempuan itu. Si ibu pada ketika itu baru sahaja selesai solat memohon pertolongan untuk diringankan bebanannya apabila pintu rumahnya diketuk bertalu-talu oleh jirannya itu. Si jiran dengan segeranya memberitahu hal yang sebenar disaat pintu rumah dibuka dan berasa cemas menantikan reaksi ibu perempuan itu.

Mendengarkan berita itu, si ibu yang masih dalam keadaan bertelekung menadah tangan lalu berdoa, “Ya Allah, Syukur Alhamdulillah”, sambil tersenyum…

Moral of the story: please, please be careful on the road. SELAMAT HARI RAYA :)

There has been rumour spreading at my faculty especially amongst our batch. Normally I would participate with those hearing it and I would disseminate that rumours together with others. But when the rumour involves me personally, well it’s not as fun as I think anymore.

It began when we started this course and they have been saying that I have “something going on” with one of my firm mate. “something going on” like hell. We used to tease and take it lightly at the rumours since we know each other; though not long but we know, well, what it takes to be best friend with each other. At least, that is my opinion on this, telling him the same thing would only make my life miserable for having to bear all his incessant teasing and mocking to regard me as his good friend.

I’d like to dispell all the rumours and put a stop to it, but I also know I can’t stop other’s people’s mouth from leaking. I wish to tell all those people that I don’t have anything “special” to do with him, other than having to suffer from him teasing and his boredom look in class, since I have my own affairs (though not many) and he already has a long-term girlfriend. I hate when people deliberately asked him in front of me, “hey, how’s your girlfriend? Are you guys still together or what?” and all those questions, as if they are trying to tell me that he already has a girlfriend. As if I didn’t know about that. So, what? Sometimes I think that they’d like to think of me as a stealer, but those who know me that well know that I am not that kind of person and because I am not easily interested in guys.

People may not know that I’m trying to build a new life and to have new perspectives in life especially when it comes to future. What I perceived before this may not be the same as before, and I am not getting involved in a relationship easily anymore and end up me being the miserable one and constantly feeling unworthy. It’s hard to deal sometimes with these frustrations alone, and to have others getting “noisy” in my personal life is not something I preferred. But sometimes I also forgot, I live with others, in a society, in fact everyday. So, for those who are trying to make a rumour out of me, believe that, yes, I may not be known to be attached to anyone right now, but I do not, in any way, have “special thing going on” with him. If it’s true… so God help me... I will grow old before time.

Welcome to "Heaven"

I was like in hell yesterday. Well, not literally. But God knows how excruciating it was. I was suffering from another acute allergy in which resulted my body began to appear a mosquito-like bite in almost all parts of my hands and legs. I suffered from this condition for as long as I can remember, but, being me, as ignorant as always, I always thought that this allergy would go away and dissapear as before, only to realise not only it re-appears, but it comes out like crazy as if a bomb is waiting to explode. And the “scenary” in effect to such is hideous. Thank God for not having model-like legs figure. Damn.

I went to the doctor, private doctor in that sense (since I went to the Pusat Kesihatan earlier and she only took a glance at my poor feet and prescribed me to that stupid-make –me-sleepy-pills-but-did-nothing-to-my-allergies.). He gave me a shot and convinced me to take vitamins because he said I have poor immune system. I was quite shocked upon hearing that actually, because, as some people who already knew me, I’m like the an unofficial ambassador for green tea brand which, it (supposedly!) could increase the immune system of one’s body. Now come to think of it, where the hell did I get such information?. It’s either based on hearsay or my exaggeration due to my utmost faith of green tea that I slot in every benefits there is in the world to be put in it if you consume green tea. I don’t know where the hell I get that info, honestly. I really gotta stop drinking that tea or else I would lose another teeth. Well this is a true story. I did lose a teeth for drinking a green tea. But it did not stop me from drinking it until now. Well, you know what they say. If you really like something or someone, there is nothing to stop you from getting it. Or her, or him in that matter..

But one thing for sure, neither the green tea nor the pills from doctors could relief the pain that I experienced now. This allergy is my new obsession, for which not only I would repeat it to the whole world especially to my dear close friends for the rest of my suffering days, but I will not sleep well or think of anything but my stupid allergy. Hmm, on that note, that doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Hoho, like that.

Anywho, (“_”) on another totally unrelated matters, my interests lately would definitely in regards to what’s going on in Malaysia these days. But I promised myself not to get involved in politics at this blogs for fear of misinterpretation and the fact that I intended this to be my self-expression rather than getting myself involved in somethings that I was not entitled to, albeit to the fact that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Nonetheless, I personally don’t think this blogs would be the best forum to discuss on that point. Sorry guys, I know some of you would be wondering my stance on this issue, but I reserved my opinion at other forums other than through this channel.

God, I’m really good at scribbling my thought on blogs, eh? hehe

another day in paradise

It feels like.. it's another day, another day that i have to endure. Sometimes I feel like I was in a zone that nobody know or even know it existed. I feel weird, sometimes it's like having two "saree" inside of my body.

Well, I just came back from my sister's friend's house, in which her friends back in her diploma days held for her such extravagant celebration. ( i do take note of my poor English, but heck, it's my damn blog, I'm entitled to say whatever I want right?)

Anyway, it was a celebration that I did not really enjoy at all. Not due to the fact that I had to come, but boy, I was extremely overwhelmed with so many emotions. What happened to me today, I didn't know. All I can remember is that I just sat there for few minutes and ask for her friend's permission to take a nap, instead of celebrating my sis's birthday together with the rest of them. I justified my action by saying to myself that I did not know them that well, but in truth, I was actually did not make any attempt to know them better. In fact, I couldn't even bother.

What happened to me today was actually another sequence to my depression state. I don't know what happen to me lately, well, lately as in the past few years actually. Sometimes I can feel the hollowness inside of me. In spite of appearing happy go lucky and having fun all the times, it was actually a mask that actually concealing my true feeling inside. The truth is, when I went to my sister's friend's today, I was actually envious of their lifestyle. I always dream of having the lifestyle that they had, ever since I was a little girl, having my own family, to have a beautiful circle of friends, what a beautiful, beautiful life.. what a wonderful life they have there, even though at times it seems superficial.

But in comparison to my sucking life, well.. it's better not to dream anymore. Everything that I ever dreamt were all went dissolving like when you put Eno in the water.. Am I suffering from a depression? Why am I feeling like this? God loves me, in spite of all the bad deeds that I have done, I know that, and I should be grateful to the things that I have now. But I just don't know myself, because I am that complicated I guess.

My first tryout

Assalamualaikum w.b.t



It's my first time, so I want it to be proper. Never been known to be Internet savvy, so besides of having friendster (which i'm about to close down), myspace, facebook, flixter, mix.o, and ape-ape lagi this would be my another wasted things to do... hapy,hapy