another day in paradise

It feels like.. it's another day, another day that i have to endure. Sometimes I feel like I was in a zone that nobody know or even know it existed. I feel weird, sometimes it's like having two "saree" inside of my body.

Well, I just came back from my sister's friend's house, in which her friends back in her diploma days held for her such extravagant celebration. ( i do take note of my poor English, but heck, it's my damn blog, I'm entitled to say whatever I want right?)

Anyway, it was a celebration that I did not really enjoy at all. Not due to the fact that I had to come, but boy, I was extremely overwhelmed with so many emotions. What happened to me today, I didn't know. All I can remember is that I just sat there for few minutes and ask for her friend's permission to take a nap, instead of celebrating my sis's birthday together with the rest of them. I justified my action by saying to myself that I did not know them that well, but in truth, I was actually did not make any attempt to know them better. In fact, I couldn't even bother.

What happened to me today was actually another sequence to my depression state. I don't know what happen to me lately, well, lately as in the past few years actually. Sometimes I can feel the hollowness inside of me. In spite of appearing happy go lucky and having fun all the times, it was actually a mask that actually concealing my true feeling inside. The truth is, when I went to my sister's friend's today, I was actually envious of their lifestyle. I always dream of having the lifestyle that they had, ever since I was a little girl, having my own family, to have a beautiful circle of friends, what a beautiful, beautiful life.. what a wonderful life they have there, even though at times it seems superficial.

But in comparison to my sucking life, well.. it's better not to dream anymore. Everything that I ever dreamt were all went dissolving like when you put Eno in the water.. Am I suffering from a depression? Why am I feeling like this? God loves me, in spite of all the bad deeds that I have done, I know that, and I should be grateful to the things that I have now. But I just don't know myself, because I am that complicated I guess.