Just a thought

The situation that happened in Mumbai recently has got me thinking about the movie that I saw last year. I vaguely recalled the name of the movie, but if I'm not mistaken it’s called “Paradise”. The director is Palestanian and the story itself is about two Palestanian young guys who were recruited to cross into Tel Aviv to become a suicide bomber. I think it was a nice change from having to watch all those pro-Israeli especially in the Hollywood movies. In fact this movie has caused a stir especially amongst the Jewish group all over the world whom have always being perceived by the Western media as victims.

The movie showed the preparation they have made before they embarked on their journey. Mind that they did not enter the Israeli state easily as doing all the ‘cop’, ‘cop’ at the immigration and it's done. And the fact due to the circumstances, the possibility of Palestanian to enter the Israel with ambition to bomb away the Israel people is wide, they had to encounter such hindrances, the challenges in which they have to face first.

So these two young guys were all prepared to be the messengers by God and determined to die as martyr. And in due course of undergoing that path, the director, in all fairness was able to invoke the audience’s thought as to what goes into the mind of these suicide bombers. Indeed they were struggling within them as to whether it's going to worth it.

There is one particular young man who was being potrayed as strong-headed, was angered to the fact that his people have been killed in their struggle to maintain their homeland from being forsaken by the Israeli, whom they claimed that “your country does not exist” and was determined to do something to get back to them at any sense.

It wrenched your heart to see here and as potrayed in this movie the condition of the remaining Palestine land. You could see that at one hand the Palestin land look nothing less like a deserted area, it was dark as it was clouded by dust and dirty all over the road. It looked just like this ‘war-zone’-area in the movie you have seen with buildings that were wrecked beyond recognition and yet there are actually families living inside that buildings, their home after it has been bombed away by the Israeli days before.

And on the other side, the self-proclaimed Israel land, there were palm trees near the beach, people taking a stroll with their happy family and beautiful, beautiful buidings almost everywhere. It was almost a resemblance to “Miami” or Beverly site in the US (as if I have been to those places. Well, I watched TV).

It was so beautiful, but yet after seeing the differences, you can’t help it but feeling sick to your stomach to see that people is actually doing to other people, occupied the other people’s land just like that. And not only that, they used suppression and various forms of violence to occupy the land that was not even theirs to begin with. And the Palestanian does not even have army and literally had to use their own hand to throw a bunch of rocks to the Israeli’s tank and what-not.

I remember the article that I read on Discovery’s magazine few years before. There is one particular family that was forced to evict from their own house by the Israeli. They had nowhere to go and were living off the street not far from their own then house and in the article it has a photo which showed their then house were now being occupied by the Israeli family. Though the land was (still at the time) Palestanian land but nonetheless it was guarded heavily by the Israeli army. You can also see that in the picture that house was the only nice house there in the area and it was surrounded by nothing, nothing at all but all dirts and wrecked buildings.

I don’t know what goes into the mind of the Israeli family that lived there but one thing for sure, they sure to have the heart as cold as ice. To take away things which are not yours in first place and yet could bear to see the view of others being suffered, slaughtered everyday by the Israeli army which only a mere metre away from you, is something you cannot imagine but yet it happened, in fact it happened everyday.

We may not realised it, in fact sometimes I also forgot that this is what happened in the other side of the world.

We may think that well, it’s easy than being said and done and that’s probably true. If not, there wouldn’t be any killing of innocent people in the name of religion. The things that have happened in Mumbai recently should not have happened in first place if we know the first thing to be civilised.

But then again, we may not understand the circumstances that they personally have to endure, the pain and the personal struggle not only to maintain the integrity of your country, but yourself. At the end of the movie it showed that as he strapped himself with the bomb pack and to detonate it inside the bus, he was still under the dilemma as to whether to go ahead with it or not.

Nonetheless, he eventually for some reasons did not proceed with the plan and it was a personal battle to survive thereon, basically. (I’m sorry if I may mislead the story since it has been awhile since I watched the movie, I have the memory as weak as gold fish)

However, I remember the scene where his girlfriend has persuaded him before not to go through with the plan. Maybe that has got him thinking that while he may make such sacrifice, it would be so small in comparison as to what will happen then; the Israeli army would use it as excuse to attack their homeland, once again.

To retaliate back, and to retaliate to those who are innocent would only be an act or cowardice. How true and how people could see that in that view.

That's just mean

Yesterday, I went to Shah Alam to settle some matters regarding my house rental. And to then hang out with few friends.

I dropped by my house there to pick up my housemate for breakfast and as soon as she saw me, the first things she said was,“Eh, nape kurus da ni, muke pun da cengkung, ni pasal food poisoning aritu ke?”

Hehe.

“Eh, mane ade. Makan cam biase je. Lagila cuti ni, asek makan tidur, makan tidur, rasenya makin gemuk adela”, I said to her. I was pretending that her comment meant nothing, but in actuality, I was smiling like crazy inside. Hua ha ha

She denied it persistently and insisted that I have lost weight. She did ask me for a tip and I confidently said I did nothing ever since the holiday started but eat like horse.

But I did put it in a way as if though I may eat like a lot, but I eat food that are good for your health. As if that holds any truth. Just before I left home I had my nasi lemak and ayam goreng.

I was beyond myself because she rarely noticed on such thing, which has just made my day which was lousy these days. My mind went wild to the extent of thinking of wearing my tight jeans that was not fit before to go with sexy tops and to show my killer body. Boy, THAT was fast.

One thing that I most paranoid of, is obviously my weight. It might due to the fact that I used to be on my “slightly heavy” side and I was constantly on every single diet regime there is in the world just to lose weight. Though my obsession to lose weight may not be the same as before, but for those who are close, or not to me, they all know that I would go crazy if I put a pound. Heck, I would nag my friend for hours just because she was sleeping after eating lunch with me and I would convince all my friends to drink green tea to help their digestion.

Anyway, whilst I was smiling to that comment made by her, we went ahead to get our breakfast. But before we did that, I went to pick my other friend to join us. I was wondering to myself what comment he would made to me, kikiki.

To my surprise (yeah, right), he said something to me that would crash my little heart, uhuk.


“Eh, makin tembam ar ko cuti ni, buat ape, makan kuda ari2 ke?”.



..........



Some guys are just mean.

My experience

I just came back from the state of K. Instead of enjoying the holiday, all I did was sleeping my way up, right from KL-K to K-KL. It was crazy!

Well, I think it's not my fault why I did not enjoy the trip at all. First, it was pouring down there and you can't do much outings. Urgh, I hate rain.

Second, I suffered from food poisoning and although it was not as bad as before, but I was up all nights and was throwing up every hour.

So, when my mum decided to take us to Bak Pai (or something like that) near the Malaysia-Thai border, I was "happy" to tag along. Yay! (NOT!). She said it would be a good experience for me just to take a glimpse of what the true Siam market is. I don't even know what my mum is trying to say sometimes. Mum! You know that I was sick, right? Arghh..

I have to admit here that I didn't always have good relationship with my mother. More often than not, I disagree with her more than anyone else in the house and I did take her comments personally because she often attacked on my personal affairs. In fact, we had our disagreement before which has lasted several months and only recently we got better. At least that what I was hoping.

I know that being a mum, she constantly worries about her girls. And we, as her daughters did not help to ease it by at least sharing our stories with her.

Sometimes, I noticed that she would repeating herself with the same old stories, only in different version. Like when she met someone at her club meetings and that person told her about some old lame jokes, she would then repeat it back to us, again and again just so that she would get our respond. A laugh, or any feedback. It became a norm in our house that not one of us realise that anymore.

The same things happened at the Siam Market. Anyway, at that point, I was actually in agony, throwing up every hour that I can barely lift up my eyes. She then did some encouragement by referring to her similar experience (back when she was out-stationed in Jakarta few weeks before), and said that it was a lot worst but, NONETHELESS, she acted like a soldier and managed to enjoy the trip and went all over the place. She makes sure that I hear every bit of it, and boy, she sure likes to talk a lot. The same here I like to write long.

We eventually arrived at the market. It took us there by boat (just to get there!) and it didn't worth the trip at all.

I know, I know I sound all grumpy but, heh, it was so tiring. When we arrived, it started to rain and it got worst. There were sights of lightning and the roadside was getting smellier and filthy. The trench was filled with trash and I could see mouse and whatever that is everywhere. I can't stand for even one second that I decided to stay at the bench near the bank while waiting for another boat to take us back.

But my mum, she was optimistic and excited to go for a walk despite the heavy rain. She asked me to tag along, but I was in grumpy mood and I did ignore her few times and look at other way when she talked to me. She sighed and then asked my youngest brother to follow her instead, followed by my father.
So there I was, sitting there and looking at the passerby, anxiously waiting to go back.

Then I saw this particular couple with their small child behind me and instantly I took interest on them. The couple is relatively young, probably in their early 20's and they already have a child. My first impression was that they seemed (weirdly) happy and content.

I couldn't figure out was so exciting giving the circumstances of the place. But they sure were enjoying themselves, laughing away at the smalllest, smallest things and even happy when the light struck.

Suddenly, I remembered my own childhood.

When I was around 4 to 6 years old, my family lived at the mass (since both of my parent were army officers). It was basically a flat-based and on top of it was a reservoir and I often used it as my little secret camp where I used to play hide and seek with my sister and few friends.

There was one time when it was raining heavily. We could also hear the thunder roaring above us but we were not afraid at all by that. In fact, we were dancing like crazy, not knowing that it was dangerous to even be there at such heights and under such heavy rain.

Then I saw thunder striking the tree nearby down and we can clearly see the damage it has done as we looked in an awe.

Suddenly, I saw my mum, shouting my name and my sister's, and I can see from the top of the flat, down below she was on frantic search and was running around the flats. I could also see several people who tried to calm her down and they were also wandering in the rain, searching for us.

Not realising what was going on, I waved and shouted at her that I just saw the light struck out the tree.

She then climbed up the flights and immediately took us out from there. I remembered she was looking straight into my eyes, her angry face and she was in tears. I could also see her eyes were filled with fears, and that "what would happen if I slipped?", "what would happen if something bad happened to us?" look. Just the thought of it has made her went wild. And all those fears, her anxieties were summed up by just one look on her face. I was only 4 or 5 years at the time, and yet I could understand her fears.

And now, after some 20 years later, I was supposed to be at the heights of maturity, yet I failed to see her frustration in me as her act of love towards me.

I keep on pushing her aside and away from my life. She has to repeat herself just to get attention which has kept me thinking, "What kind of daughter am I?".

I did not repay her the way she deserve it, yet I was so selfish to think that I was being outcast by her.

I had to be reminded by others to realise that.

I was truly grateful to have been reminded by them, albeit a stranger. Before this, I keep on thinking that there was something missing in my life, not realising that the thing that have been missing was actually the relationship that I used to have with my mum.

With just that tiny experience that I had with them, I then slowly walked my way up through that filthy roadside of Siam's market and searched for my mother.

yawn

I'm soo bored..

Well, I guess that when you are used to the hectic schedule, you will feel kinda stuck as to what you are supposed to do next. It's not like I used to make plans for every single things in my life, but I was hoping that I did that. At least I'm not as bored as I am now.

In addition to that, I AM that lazy. It has been awhile since I was excited to hang out and meet friends. Some people said that I've been feeling like that because I was reacting to the female hormones, whatever that is.

But what they don't seem to understand is, I am not 21, or 23 anymore. I don't have the same energy or enthusiasm as I was. I am now circled around people who is a lot younger than me and that is probably the reason why some people said I did not act my age.

It's not my choice to be here. But then again, I did not say it because I was regretting my path or being ungrateful jerk. Maybe I did not see the light behind it just yet, but I can't help but wonder what would my life be if I was already a someone's wife, or a mother or someone with successful career path. Like most of my friends did. Or planned to.

But I am a true believer of qada' and qadar. I know I just have to pass through this transition in my life. I know I have to be patient, it's just going to be for a little while. But I hope other people would understand that while I may not act my age, but I am that ordinary 26 years old gurl. I don't think differently than them and I wish people would stop saying "I know, but it's fine" to me.

it's a long one, but it's soo worth it

I finally got my revenge. Yay! It involves a "you-know-who"

Well, actually, I already made some plans beforehand to make my proper revenge, including pretending to be sorry that I want him back and even post in on my blogs and at the end, I would confront him and go, "I know what you did", BOOM!!!

But in the end, maybe I was too tired to play games with someone who is not worthy, so I decided to send a letter instead of seeing him. He has wasted my time and energy before and I think it's not fair for me to waste another for him. Now, it may sound as if I was angry because I still have feelings for him, but actually it wasn't the case. For what it's worth, I would justify my action right here and right now.

Now, he is someone that I used to get involved with. I can't say that I'm truly happy with him since he did not exactly treat me any better. But nonetheless we were together once upon a time. But I noticed that he has man ego which I should take notice to that. To be fair, all guys have their own egos, even the girls, but for a guy with that certain ego, he would go to the certain extent of acting up for the purpose of satisfying his revenge. He is someone who would think he could done better than others, say, if he thinks that I can get any guy I want, he also can do the same.

Recently I learned to know the real fact that he was actually has several relationships with girls when he was or after with me. I will tell you later why is it important as to was and after me. Now, I don't mind if he has friend who is a girl, but the way he claimed to be so innocent that he has no girl friends and lied to me the whole time is truly something that I cannot tolerate at all. I just don't understand why he has to do that, to lie to me in front of my face as if I was nothing.

After we broke up, I did try to make amend and even at certain point thought of saving it because I was under impression that I was the one to blame for the break-up. But I was never at any point lie to him about my status that I used to get involved with someone else after him and I remembered that he thought that I left him because of someone and he was clearly upset at that.

Little that I know at that point he was the one who actually did that..

He was involved with his ex when he was with me and I learned from his dear friend of his that he even brought the girl to his house. And here I was, thinking that I was to be blamed because he did not make any attempts to go back to me.

I honestly was under good intention to maintain good relationship despite it was over. I didn't have any hidden agenda aside from having him as friend, like I practised with my previous boyfriend. How would I know that he was playing with me.

Once, after that incidents, he told me, out of the blue that he was missing me and was angry at me because I did not even want to contact him or say hi whenever we bumped into each other. He was angry because he thought I already moved on and he cannot accept that.

I didn't know what he was up to and I didn't understand why he was angry. And I was quite stupid to feel sorry for doing that when he would be finishing his study after this, that I won't see him again after this, and yet I did that to him.

But, my conscious kept telling me otherwise and I managed to sort it out by confronting to his friend. To my surprise, he told me everything that confirmed everything. From his ex to his gf that he has now. And yet he still said those things to me. I feel kinda sorry for myself for actually believing in him, but for what it's worth, I was lucky that I didn't love to him as much as I thought I was. Nonetheless, the pain is still there and I can relate to people who has been cheated.

Such revealation truly has been an eye opening for me. I used to say that if you lied, sooner or later it will haunt you. How true, to see me in this circumstances, after being cheated he thought he could get away, but he was wrong. I was lucky to learn it now about his true color rather than before. Because for one, I don't have to think about what he has done all these times because it was already over and I already moved on with my life. I was lucky also for believing in my conscious to never trust him and never to give all my heart to him. Nonetheless I can't help it from having the feeling of getting my revenge for wasting my time and lying to me.

Because to me, now he is like a loser to me; to have relationship with his ex who has cheated him over another guy, and yet to be with her and to go out with her behind his current girlfriend, with her fetching him at his house is truly an act of a loser to me.

Until now I can't seem to pass the fact that I was actually involved with someone as loser as him. I was also stupid to realise it later, but I to be fair, my act was justified because at least when I was with him, I was true to myself and I maintain my integrity by saying that I am not the one who has caused the damage to the relationship. At least I did not lie just to save my sorry ass.

I guess I'm no better person myself. Before this, I honestly didn't understand why I never feel sad when it's over. Not even once did I cry. Maybe it was a sign from the One who is greater than me that something is clearly wrong. And how right it was. But still, I'd like to get my hands dirty on this and I know not many people can understand why I display it publicly when it could be something humiliating to me. But, I don't know why I don't see it that way. Maybe I was happy with my situation now and to think that I was no longer in a relationship that I can't even trust him.

So, as you can imagine the content of the letter itself by now, it was truly a relief for being able to channel my true feelings to him and also to myself. And because getting my revenge is so much sweeter than you think, for those who wanted to know who is this loser guy, then you are welcome to ask me personally and I would gladly tell his name. I think many people know who that is, but to display his name here would only render bad implications so far as I'm concerned. I don't want to get associated with him in any level whatsoever, but he ought to know that he should never underestimate me. The power of woman, eh? hehehe :D

hate those touche

I'm learning that not everyone can appreciate honesty. I was oblivious to my crazy-talk mouth that recently I realised that it did not end up the way I anticipate it, instead it has caused feelings of others were hurt and to the extent of jeopardising my friendship.

For example, I have this dear friend of mine who is in the relationship with this really sweet girl. She made an attempt to befriend with me and of course I did not mind that. During the short conversant that we had, obviously the issue about my good friend would come out. She would ask me what does he like and that sort of things. I didn't realise that when I talk, I would end up be the cause of their break-up. Now, then I didn't leak any secret to her, but then my "smart mouth" was blabbering on things that I was not supposed to get involved in first place. I started making my own "smart" comments on how she ought to appreciate my friend better and not take the relationship for granted since I know how crazy my friend was when he was with her. It was my fault obviously for saying things that was personal. I was trying to help out my friend but obviously it did not fall through the way I expected. Now she is avoiding me and I did not realise that until my friend told me that she was actually hurt by my comment.

I know sometimes, well almost all the times I would be saying things that I was not supposed or entitled to say it out loud. But sometimes, I cannot help it but being honest with myself first, regardless of people's feeling sometimes. I know it sounds harsh, but then again I'm too tired to be too careful with other's feelings when it does not necessarily bring satisfaction in them. In the end, we will all be getting the truth, but it's either we realise it or not. I decided to make a realisation earlier than later, because I hate the feelings of being cheated. By others or by me.