Well, I think it's not my fault why I did not enjoy the trip at all. First, it was pouring down there and you can't do much outings. Urgh, I hate rain.
Second, I suffered from food poisoning and although it was not as bad as before, but I was up all nights and was throwing up every hour.
So, when my mum decided to take us to Bak Pai (or something like that) near the Malaysia-Thai border, I was "happy" to tag along. Yay! (NOT!). She said it would be a good experience for me just to take a glimpse of what the true Siam market is. I don't even know what my mum is trying to say sometimes. Mum! You know that I was sick, right? Arghh..
I have to admit here that I didn't always have good relationship with my mother. More often than not, I disagree with her more than anyone else in the house and I did take her comments personally because she often attacked on my personal affairs. In fact, we had our disagreement before which has lasted several months and only recently we got better. At least that what I was hoping.
I know that being a mum, she constantly worries about her girls. And we, as her daughters did not help to ease it by at least sharing our stories with her.
Sometimes, I noticed that she would repeating herself with the same old stories, only in different version. Like when she met someone at her club meetings and that person told her about some old lame jokes, she would then repeat it back to us, again and again just so that she would get our respond. A laugh, or any feedback. It became a norm in our house that not one of us realise that anymore.
The same things happened at the Siam Market. Anyway, at that point, I was actually in agony, throwing up every hour that I can barely lift up my eyes. She then did some encouragement by referring to her similar experience (back when she was out-stationed in Jakarta few weeks before), and said that it was a lot worst but, NONETHELESS, she acted like a soldier and managed to enjoy the trip and went all over the place. She makes sure that I hear every bit of it, and boy, she sure likes to talk a lot. The same here I like to write long.
We eventually arrived at the market. It took us there by boat (just to get there!) and it didn't worth the trip at all.
I know, I know I sound all grumpy but, heh, it was so tiring. When we arrived, it started to rain and it got worst. There were sights of lightning and the roadside was getting smellier and filthy. The trench was filled with trash and I could see mouse and whatever that is everywhere. I can't stand for even one second that I decided to stay at the bench near the bank while waiting for another boat to take us back.
But my mum, she was optimistic and excited to go for a walk despite the heavy rain. She asked me to tag along, but I was in grumpy mood and I did ignore her few times and look at other way when she talked to me. She sighed and then asked my youngest brother to follow her instead, followed by my father.
So there I was, sitting there and looking at the passerby, anxiously waiting to go back.
Then I saw this particular couple with their small child behind me and instantly I took interest on them. The couple is relatively young, probably in their early 20's and they already have a child. My first impression was that they seemed (weirdly) happy and content.
I couldn't figure out was so exciting giving the circumstances of the place. But they sure were enjoying themselves, laughing away at the smalllest, smallest things and even happy when the light struck.
Suddenly, I remembered my own childhood.
When I was around 4 to 6 years old, my family lived at the mass (since both of my parent were army officers). It was basically a flat-based and on top of it was a reservoir and I often used it as my little secret camp where I used to play hide and seek with my sister and few friends.
There was one time when it was raining heavily. We could also hear the thunder roaring above us but we were not afraid at all by that. In fact, we were dancing like crazy, not knowing that it was dangerous to even be there at such heights and under such heavy rain.
Then I saw thunder striking the tree nearby down and we can clearly see the damage it has done as we looked in an awe.
Suddenly, I saw my mum, shouting my name and my sister's, and I can see from the top of the flat, down below she was on frantic search and was running around the flats. I could also see several people who tried to calm her down and they were also wandering in the rain, searching for us.
Not realising what was going on, I waved and shouted at her that I just saw the light struck out the tree.
She then climbed up the flights and immediately took us out from there. I remembered she was looking straight into my eyes, her angry face and she was in tears. I could also see her eyes were filled with fears, and that "what would happen if I slipped?", "what would happen if something bad happened to us?" look. Just the thought of it has made her went wild. And all those fears, her anxieties were summed up by just one look on her face. I was only 4 or 5 years at the time, and yet I could understand her fears.
And now, after some 20 years later, I was supposed to be at the heights of maturity, yet I failed to see her frustration in me as her act of love towards me.
I keep on pushing her aside and away from my life. She has to repeat herself just to get attention which has kept me thinking, "What kind of daughter am I?".
I did not repay her the way she deserve it, yet I was so selfish to think that I was being outcast by her.
I had to be reminded by others to realise that.
I was truly grateful to have been reminded by them, albeit a stranger. Before this, I keep on thinking that there was something missing in my life, not realising that the thing that have been missing was actually the relationship that I used to have with my mum.
With just that tiny experience that I had with them, I then slowly walked my way up through that filthy roadside of Siam's market and searched for my mother.
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