Goodbye LLB, Goodbye bitter,sweet memories, Goodbye blogs

I would definitely miss them; especially every single one on the second picture. Sorry about the guys, as you guys were too busy "male-bonding" and I figured they were not be sensitive by not giving them enough credit, hehe.
Hye, I still love my 2F guys :) muahhhh xoxo

_____________________________________________________________________________________


Anyway, on a different note, I've read this blogs from my former batch-mate of mine.

The last post from her titled; "Lose a Little, Gain a Lot". She was dead-on about something quite similar to my situation. Man, I got creepy feelings upon reading it.

Please link yourself to hers:

http://parttimezebra.blogspot.com/

This would be my last post. There won't be any after this. I rather keep my blogs close to my heart. Have fun looking for my new blogs (that, if you are interested, no obligation to look for one)

Till then, you know you wanna hate me. :))

xoxo,
SAREE




I'm officially punch out for today

I'm sorry, dear friend

How do you know you are in love? It is possible to actually be in love with just one person and to spend for the rest of you lives together with him?

You know that you are in love with him whenever you wake up, his face was the first to pop out from your mind.

You know that you are crazy for him when, he walked passed you and as you tried to catch his sweet smell, suddenly your heart stopped beating for a brief moment.

You know you have fallen for him when one day he sent you home and just before you went inside, you turned on your back just to get a glimpse of him. And at that same particular point, he was actually turned back and looked straight into your eyes.

You know you are in love with him whenever you wanted to see a new-released movie, the only one that first pops into your mind is him. Everytime you see him, your cheek would go numb afterwards, for having too much laugh upon hearing his useless jokes. Your face turned red whenever your friend started to match you with him and how your heart system nearly crashed whenever you see him with someone else eventhough it was her sister.

When all things get accounted for, for once you’d think you could gamble your life with him in spite of his imperfections.

You know your friends were getting tired of your excessive story about him. But you are so in love that you couldn’t care less. Your concerned friends have been telling you about his history, but you pushed've it aside and convinced he wouldn't hurt your heart at all. A bit. Never at all.

You believed him, in spite of all that. You believed him so long he won’t be caught red-handed. Yes, you believed him to that extent because you are soo in love with him.

At times, it has made your friends being left out. Most of the time, you kept your distant and by spending your time talking on the phone or texting him instead of enjoying the time with the rest of your friends, much to their dismay. Your friend were unhappy, since they did not get to see you that much, but they tried to understand that. And they did. They undertood that their friend is in love.

They are all truly happy for you. You have never been the same before this. You have never been known as someone who can commit to one person. You, too, have envisioned how wonderful it would be just to have the same future with him.

But it didn't turned out that way.

In fact, he has left you with all the bitterness inside. When you thought he could not hurt you, he was actually the one who has left you with a large scar on your heart. And it was like someone has shoot point-blank at you with a realisation that all these while, he was actually did not fell for you the same as you have fell for him. But yet he did not confront you, and you had to discover on your own through someone else.

It was hurtful, I know. Your friend too, has never expected it to happen to you. With all the wedding date set-in, they have thought you will be truly happy ever after.

Questions with pity started to pour in; "How could he do that to you?", "How could he fake his feeling all these times to you?", "How can he be so selfish when all you did was giving all the love and the trust that you had to him and only him?"

I am that friend, the one that he went to when it all of his self has fell apart because of her. Because of her selfish act.

I am that friend who had witnessed his transformation from someone who has never bothered to return a call from a girl who has crush on him into someone who has been putting a lot of efforts just to be with that stupid girl.

Having known him for all these years, I knew that despite of his calmness when he confided me with the story, he was actually at his ends because of her. I could see in his eyes almost in tears, filled with sorrowness, having his heart being crushed simply like that upon her revelation.

It seemed that he has wasted his time envision something that actually did not belong to him in the first place. She has never loved him.

I'm sorry dear. I should have been a better friend than this. You have always stood by me, be the only source of my strength when I felt no one really stood by me with what has happened with me recently at my school. You always believing in me, because you are a true friend that one could ever ask for.

You could have diss me like others would and could simply say that it was none of your freaking business, but you didn't. In fact you have encouraged me with your strong words every day until you are sure that I would not fall apart.

I should have been a better friend that I could have. I could have told you that she of no good. But I didn't because I didn't want to break your heart. I hate it when all I could do is to say I'm sorry when I could have done something for my dear friend. It breaks my heart to see you nearly cry because of her. And for that, I'd cry for you, too, Ed.

Thank you

Judging from the look at everyone's face today, it's apparent that we were all in the happy-happy state when we played the futsal game. Tambah best when we won the game. I mean, in second place. I mean, whutever, we still won.

Thanks guys, for making the day eventful. I felt like as if we have just known each other. Barely known when in fact we have been together for almost a year.

Everyone was genuinely pleased to see one another. I actually felt relieved to see some of the familiar faces that I know, do care and love you without getting involved into any of the tensions mounting at work. AND, as well as getting all the "lovely scolding" from the rest of my strong team for being 100% lousy at sports.

I can feel my stomach started to churn, having to realise that in a matter of few weeks, we would be leaving each other and some, we would never have the chance to stumble into one another anymore after this. For the first time, I feel sad for having to leave all these all too soon.

I want to keep all the good and bring along with me all the sweet memories. I really do. Why is it so hard to be genuinely pleased with each other without pretending?

Let's keep it this way, shall we?


Love,
SAREE

Read between the Lines

My roommate has just been confirmed with denggi. Poor lad (or gal).

She has fever for the past few days but we never thought it’s a symptom of one. Stupid, right? I mean, hello. It’s SA. Obviously, I have been oblivious to anything that has happened outside from my stupid coconut shell. (Waiver: it’s a mere expression, by any way do not connote me with me being the frog. Or siput babi)

When we first heard the news, the rest of us were shocked. Shrieking like a baby, if you may. Heh, (“sometimes living with all girls do have its advantages” – bak kata Celcom). I started to feel the goose bumps all over me upon hearing that news.

She immediately asked the other roommate to get a medical check-up as soon as possible as she has yet to recover from her fever since last week. She then offered her to see the doctor together the next day since she too, has to go for another medical check-up to see whether her platelet has increased. That, or else she has to be admitted to the hospital.

“What about me?” Bu huh hu. I was scared too.

We discussed her meeting with the doctor that day and she mentioned about her fever. I had fever since yesterday but I have thought that it was because of us sharing a room, so that might be it. Contagious.

But then she also mentioned about dizziness and soreness in the joint. It's normal that I have been feeling the dizziness every time I open my law book (but I did not suffer from that whenever I did my assignment, orait. I care a lot. Even if it’s late, it is an acceptable work).

But, I do realize that I had this numbness on my right hand since this morning and it won't go.

“Gosh, I have denggi.”

“Tapi, Saree. Doktor tu refer buat blood test lepas kita mention about kite punya muntah-muntah, cherry berry. Tapi masa awal-awal demam dulu lah.”

I didn’t suffer from any of that, but suddenly I feel nauseas. It’s as if I have all the symptoms at that point.

“Rasanya iyelah, memang sahih ni". I said to them.

“Kenapa?”

“Sebab rasa na muntah-muntah ni”

"Macamane dengan chery berry?"

"cherry berry belum kena lagi kot, sikit-sikit lagi agaknya. Sekarang ni pun tengah pulas-pulas perut” (Actually it was just pure imagination coming from my paranoia.)

I have not always been a fan of sickness, or hospital or any relation with its association for that matter. I have my weakness here. My knees will shake like a leaf upon seeing needle. I once collapsed at the mall, in the middle of the crowd after few minutes being inside the pharmacy that smelled like hospital. Urgh. I hate the smell, the same I hate hypocrite person. That too, will make me throw up at that instant.

So the idea of being sick and to go to the hospital are definite no-no for me. Not and never a pleasant thought at all even though I've never been through much of that stuff in my life. Yet (and Thank God for that).

I would then start to think. Long and hard.

“What will happen? I have never been admitted to the hospital before!”

“Is the hospital a scary place?”

“What if they poke me with those sharp needle and then I'd die due to massive bleeding?”

“I’m too beautiful and too young to die” (this meant as a joke, Obviously there are people who doesn’t seem understand the meaning of one’s expression of just joking or being sorry; they seem to think it was just a word having no significant meaning to them)

She assured me that I am fine. “Tak adalah, Saree. Jauh benar kot connection dia”

But my mind has wandered off. Way ahead. I can't think of anything other than that.

“I can’t fall sick. I have Civil’s class to attend for the rest of my remaining days here.”

“I have lots of pending works that due next week (It’s not due yet. Don’t misquote me or call me lazy just yet)

“I have to submit this and that……….”

.......


Wait a minute.


“Does that mean I don’t have to go to Civil’s classes?”


"Including weekend?"


“For one whole week or more?”



Wauuu..


A prospective which I shall ponder upon.

I changed my mind. I think it's rationale to get sick at this point.

Green Tea -- can you guess it by now? *wink*

As an unofficial ambassador for green tea (ceh, bagi title kat diri sendiri dengan bangganya), I have pledged to commit myself into any of the products or drinks that contained “green tea” in it. Forget the fact that last week I had two half-boiled eggs together with hot green tea which has caused my tummy ached afterwards as if I was about to deliver a baby (as if I have experienced it before. Wutevur)

Just last month, I went to the mall and this one salesgirl suggested a face cream which contained green tea in it. She said that it would be beneficial to use it to minimise the stress lines on the face. My freakishly wrinkled face that is.

So I bought it, just to discover that my face has started to suffer from redness and itchiness as a result of it. But thou I shall not give up, (har har). Maybe the product is not so compatible with my "ever-so-delicate-face-tapi-tak-licin-licin-jugak-muka" of mine. If not, it would do justice to my face, right?

Then I discovered this new 3-in-one cereal drinks from nesvita. It has this new flavour, aside from chocolate, coffee or whatever flavour there are that the creative nestle team could think of, that is green tea. Gosh. Never in my mind I would have imagined or to have come across weird combination as cereal drink and green tea together. It just sounds soo... indescribable.

Anyway, in the true spirit of the tea, I bought it, just to have a taste. And of course I would not buy it in the small package. Heck no.

Okey. Not a moment to waste. I shall try it.


.....


Errr......



Yuk.



To have imagined the taste would be as bad as to actually tasting it I guess.



Hmm...



Still am contemplating to try it.



Orait, orait, I shall try it today. I prepared the hot water for that purpose. And as it boils, I looked at the green tea-cereal packet, and reluctantly opened it. Hmm. Oh well, I might as well try it. You won’t want to waste it away, would you?


Then, I poured it in the glass, and mixed it with the hot water. Kacau, kacau.


Sniff, sniff. Hmm.. What's with the funny smell? Because green tea memang smell macam tu lah, siput. Minumlah cepat!


Wa waa...


I eventually tried it. (after half an hour later, that is)


Emmm....


Ahhh.. Not bad as I think it would be.
I think I can comfortably live with it.


And so, the obsession for green tea continues. Hehehe

I'd like you to think about others, if you can

Hmmmm…

I’m just so happy and content that I went home this week. That being said, it would mean that I could escape from all the madness at school.

With all the recent backstabbing, foul mouth or getting myself involved over a stupid fight which I don’t even when it started are the things that have de-motivated me almost to the lowest point.

But being me, I won’t be bothered to confront with all the madness. However, I have to admit that it did hurt me, one way or another. It’s still hurt; aching inside.

And for that, though I managed to spend a rather short amount of time at my own bed, at my own house, but it's enough for me; enough to at least divert my thoughts away from having to succumb with those craziness.

Maybe it was me, or the ever to-be-blamed, the PMS that lately I have been feeling easily irritated, annoyed with certain someone. I believe the feeling is mutual, however I couldn’t care less. Or give a crap.

I have to admit here that I have little tolerance for those who think they are better than anyone else. Or being in constant competitive nature that at times I felt like I have been living in these seemingly artificial or pretentious world instead of the reality.

Unfortunately, my frustration has been extended to those who are close and has always been there for me all these times as well. I guess that I stupidly consumed my time with the thoughts of those who lives in their stupid bubble that I cowardly blame others who has no "locus standi" to be involved in as well.

I guess it has also got to do with the recent demanding works. As the works started to pile up, so do the pressures and the stresses. (And don’t forget the PMS-factor)

Gosh, I hate everytime I’ve been feeling like this.

I hate the feeling like slapping their face so hard that it leaves scar for life for their vanity into thinking that they are mightier and better than others.

I hate for imagining that they would fall flat on the floor as they run to escape from the heavy rain, so that they would be covered in the dirt and muddy pond, just to make them to taste their own medicine.


I remember saying this to a friend of mine where she used to be hurt by others. I remember I got angry because she won’t do anything to stand up to those people,

“Tak kira sesiapa pun yang cakap kau tak boleh buat, Mie, don’t let them said that to you upfront. Jangan bagi sesiapa pun pandang rendah kau. Sebab orang lain tak ada hak judge kau melainkan diri kau sendiri”


Maybe I’m not the correct person to say that to her, when most of the times even I never stand up for what is right for me now. I guess I'm quite "old-skul" when it comes to the need to be competitive. So forgive me for not being able to understand those who are in constant need to compare with others’ performance. Forgive me for not being able to increase my intelligence level up to their expectation. Sorry for not being able to force my brain to work until it overheats. I’m sorry as I could not understand the expression of contentment over others’ failure or bear to watch others spiraling down, gasping for someone to aid them.

Truth be told, I may not survive in this competitive world anymore. I barely survived here. How am I going to survive in the outside world?

Then again, maybe I was wrong for saying that. But who cares, right?…

I wish I could tell to certain someone exactly how I feel.

Why can't I just tell them that I'm angry, or sad, or disappointed with their action.

Why can't I just tell them up front,

"Who gives you the right to say you are better than anyone else? You are not that good anyway."

"Sampai hati kau boleh fikir aku begitu bodoh, tak boleh fikir on my own that you would cowardly compare and blame me to be the reason for your loss. You are as shallow as you are outside"

"Sampai hati kau boleh let others thinks I have bully you when all I did was trying to be the best friend I know how"

Sampai hati.

Sampai hati..

Sampai hati...

Let's talk about LOVE

Yesterday I went to ikea. I haven’t been there for such a long time and it hasn’t changed a bit. It was crowded with people as if ikea was about to go bankrupt and held a 90% discounts off on all items there. (It was quite the opposite, actually)

Anyway, I neither want to talk about its crowd nor the place here. It’s just that, when I went there yesterday with a friend of mine, I was rather reminiscing the time I was there the last time with someone whom I was no longer in spoken terms with.

This happened not too long ago, when I was still young and slender, he asked me to accompany him there to browse through some stuff.

I have known him for quite some time that he knew my flaws and what-not. In fact, he was actually the first person I get acquainted with when I first joined my degree programme back in Shah Alam that we eventually became friends ever since. He was also my source of strength especially with regards to my study as he was one of the best students at my faculty around that time.

Anyway, we have our moments in our friendship and as inappropriately as it may sound, we enjoyed each other’s company; but for different reasons. Whilst I was trying to have a platonic relationship with him, on his side, it was not so mutual.

I was not very good in saying “No”, believe me. But, God knows how I like to evade things away from me. Procrastinate is like my middle name too. He understood that and never pressed me any further and I was lucked out from having to confront my true feelings with him.

Since then, we still, nevertheless maintained our closeness and we would spent some time together outside our school whenever we have the time.

Until one day when we went there.


At that point of time, he has already started working in a very well-established firm that provided him with a full scholarship. For the first time, he received his first pay (and that firm sure paid him quite handsomely) so he fetched and brought me near the area to celebrate his first salary together.

After dinner, we did some window-shopping at ikea as he promised his mother to buy something for her lamp. Since I haven’t been able to spent some time with him especially after his new job, I was, admittedly over-excited to see him. Some more, I have always been a fan of that place, as the place always excites me; makes me feel like a little girl again.

Which is why, I guess, though it was packed and crowded with people, we still managed to browse through the area (quite thoroughly!), minding our own business and shared some of our crazy laugh together along there.

I showed him my favourite station, and he would show his. I would criticize his taste, and he would rightly follow suit. In all of that, what I can seem to remember until now is that we rarely shared the same taste and liking, but we do feel comfortable being around each other, as we complemented one another in a way I couldn't describe.

More importantly here, I remember this one particular conversation that we had that night. He mentioned over and over again that he liked minimalist’s concept and when I asked why, he said;

“Aku suka konsep minimalis. Senang. Nampak tersusun, tak adalah berserabut sangat. Bila aku balik ofis, aku na jugak umah aku tak berselerak serupa ofis aku.”

I was, on the other hand, never an organised person, thus never believed in the concept of orderly and systematic.

“Aku tak suka langsung. Tak praktikal lah. Macam barang2 aku tu, dah lah banyak, semuanya ada sebab ngape aku simpan die, so, mane leh buang barang2 aku macam tu je just untuk nampak simple and minimalist. Isk, tak boleh, tak boleh. Aku kena ada semua barang2 aku, if tak, aku tak leh hidup dengan sempurnanya.”

He laughed. How I can still picture his laugh until now. Suddenly, he stopped laughing, and then turned to me and said,

“Kalau gitu, kita buat rumah kita ada banyak-banyak kotak and almari, sebab kau kan suka kotak2 besar untuk simpan barang2 and almari untuk susun barang2 kau. Nanti, bolehlah kau simpan semua sekali barang2 tu, and at the same time rumah kita still nampak tersusun dan kemas.”



“Kau nak tak hidup sama dengan aku, Saree?”




[ask me again now and I would give you a different answer]

I saw him yesterday...

I saw him,
with another woman,
passing me,
pretending not to see..

Fcuk!!

(Pardon my French)

Different people

When I first joined this study, most of my batch consisted of my juniors. I, was the senior of one semester to them. But, being the ignorant as I am, I didn't really get to know them before this. How they were before when they were in their degree year and who they were, really. So, my first impression was based on the circumstances that we are now, being in everyday all white and black apparel, business-like (some may be too CEO-ed), instilled within each of them to be a great lawyers someday.

In a way, I was quite lucky to have been spared from having to go through introduction of every one of them; what they were like, their cliques and to the extent of their family background.

Some of which I was not really interested with all the irrelevant details.

Which is why I couldn't be bothered with some rumours that there were people who have been talking behind my back. Of course, it bound to happen especially the stresses and pressures with the office work start to kicks in.

To me, it wasn't really a place for me to take it personally or confronted whether it is true or not. Instead, it is better to take it in a positive light rather than to be bitter about it. After all,the profession that I choose would largely depends on the networks that I have now that I can't really afford to be pretentious to those making such childish statement and possibly untrue.

Anyway, as I was saying, since most of them were strangers to me before, I get to know them from what I have observed for the past one and half semesters.

Some, still managed to goof around and never failed to spend their time doing some loafing and “contribution” to the economy of the country despite of the escalating workload at school.

Some, not only looked to impress, they were almost a ready-made lawyer waiting to become the real one. I wondered on the back of my mind were they as ambitious when they were in their degrees as they are now?

I imagined some of them to be nerdy, and looked attentive at class without blinking,and their eyes filled with interest over the subject while the rest of the class were like sleeping at the back, gossiping with each other, or flirting around by texting message with your own classmate or some, who did not bother to come to class at all.

There were some people who would make fun over those overtly ambitious people in the group over some typical presentation in the class. While those people were never failed to look for a case law, constantly updated their revisions after class and study till the eleventh hour, there would be a large sum of people (including yours truly) who would turn the table around and press the panic button only at the last minutes to study, just for the sake of examination.

Now, it is not the same anymore. We may have come to the end of the path now that everyone seemed to understand the important to do the best for our own future. No more sick jokes over some nerdy people at school who read cases, or those rehearsed before the presentation just to sound articulate for which they have never bothered to do that before this. And instead of making fun of those “skema-rama” in the class, they suddenly become someone that others would look up to. Really. Well, no one wants to look dumb or “disgusting” when you stuttered in front of the lecturer over a simple question, do you?

Okey, well at least for me. Then again, this would not apply to all. Some would still claim that they could enjoy till their ass is literally off and still managed to excel. They apparently have the brain of Einstein, while I, have the brain of some rotten machine that needs to be lubricated everyday.

But I do not not envy them. Not at all. Because I know once you entered into working environment, it won't be as easy breezy as a walk in the park. I just hope that I have better luck with doing something I like when I work. And something new for my eyes since I'm getting bored of seeing the same old candy. They've turned sour already. He he :p

PS: Wait. I hope I don't sound paedophile when I say that. Ar ar ar

Obsessive is in, think about it -- Anonymous (1982-...)

I am very meticulous in certain things, I must say. When something I regard as important, be it small or serious things, I became obsessed of making it perfect to my eyes. It does not matter that my workstation or my bedroom is messier than the garbage collection centre, but if something I cared or the things which suddenly caught my eyes with its anomalies, I could not get the thought out from me.

I know it sounds silly, but I do have the obsessive compulsion to be perfect at certain things. Thank God I was not as obsessed with myself (as someone had thought) or else, I would be changing my clothes ten times instead of 3 or 4 times a day (that also depends on the occasion), or staring at myself over a mirror until the mirror breaks, or jog everyday like crazy to keep my body solid or went to every beautification centre to preserve the youthfulness.

But, sometimes I do get carried away with my obsessiveness over certain things which I myself get tired for thinking such absurd and ridiculous things over and over again in my head.

For example, recently a colleague of mine decided to create this really funky hair-do of cutting her hair “senget”. Her left parted hair is shorter than the other, and when I say shorter than the other, I did not mean it shorter by 1 or 2 inch. It was way, way shorter that the first time I saw it I felt it was going to be my worst nightmare yet.

I could not sleep well at night, thinking how I could do or could have done to correct it; as to make the hair even again. I became obsessed by having to stare at her hair quietly and began constructed an evil plan as to how I'm going to cut it without her noticing.

I couldn't help it. It happened without my consent and every time I began to have such ridiculous idea, I pushed it away that stupid thoughts.

Or when I saw a stranger wore a work shirts with his collar not in place, I was like wanted to adjust the collar myself or holler to that person, “Encik, kolar awak kelepetlah” without any shame. Until now, I have difficulties to adapt to the idea of 'kelepet' collar of a shirt to be something in-trends. I just don't get it.

Seriously.. (Bak kata Kahuna--adakah aku kesah kerana tidak mengikut perkembangan fesyen semasa?)

Thankfully, no one noticed this sort-of “traits” that I have. This is because, it did not happen as often as one might think. Plus, I was rather discreet in my act as I do not want others to think that they were actually befriended with “orang gila” all these times. Rest assured that I am normal, and with me, I am all open and honest with my flaws.

Nonetheless, I noticed that some of my colleagues already noticed my odd behaviour since we see each other 80% a day that one is no longer bothered (or at least some of us) to pretend a loud burping, or laughing loudly or casually saying things like “awak ni busuklah”, or self-praise with each other like, "aku rasa mamat tu suka aku pasal akulah yang paling comel” etc, etc.

Sometimes, when we were instructed to do an assignment, suddenly I became too pre-occupied in my ambition with wanting to make a stupid letter or any form of court documents of the assignments to have the perfect alignment and formats that I wanted.

Or when the documents being submitted without having me approved the formatting, that when I see the outcome I was like having a heart attack upon seeing the typo errors or the absence of comas or full stop or the alignment was not the same as the frontpage of the document that I began transferring my wrath to the rest of my poor firm mates to painfully endure my nagging as if I was having debate competition that I need to win at all costs.

I know that I have caused annoyance amongst them with my incessant nagging, and it would be difficult things for me to change it, but if I were to change, I would rather be with someone who can accept me just the way I am. I hope my firmates could bear with me for the remaining months left. I still love you guys, especially pakcik comel, as he has to listen to my nagging, much to his fatherly disapproval look by geleng, geleng, haha.

Someone asked me,

"Mengapa tak orang buat blog-blog ni buat notes belajar macam criminal procedure code ke, civil procedure code ke, evidence ke kat dalam blog? Senang idup aku."

Wau.

Morality is a private and costly luxury -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918) American Historian

This is a true story.

My sister has endured traumatising experience when her bag got snatched some two months ago. She said it happened so fast that she could not react. She barely moved and could only watched the motorcyclist kissed her goodbye as he ran off.

My mother had experienced it twice. In fact, it was a lot worst. She was walking in areas teeming with passers-by when it happened, and in both occassions she had her handbag being snatched by a pillon rider on a motorcycle. She was smart, though, to have let the bag off her. But the second time it happened, she said that, she was suddenly enraged that her first instinct was to clutch her bag tighter, instead of giving up to those low-life thieves. She further said, though she did not manage to secure it in the end, she did pull a really good fight with them. Heck, I believed that, and I know she could do better than that if she wanted to. She’s a soldier, not just by her rank, but by her heart as well.

Nonetheless, in all those occassions, not one came to their aid. But, I guess those who were there were as stunnned as them to have acted quickly or to have acted at all. (positives, positives).

Some people. Too desperate to continue on with their life, that they would resort in making another miserable instead. What they took not only the victim’s material possessions, I think, but the psychological effects that it has are much greater and severe. My mother, until now her heart tends to go cold whenever she hears a motorcycle. She would step aside, look at the motorcyclists and wait for him to go past before she walks on.

If I were that motorcyclist, being put into position of having been stared by some random strangers as if you were ought to do some crime; I would be offended by that stare. But, I understood the fear coming from her experience that she resort to discriminating them in general.

I discriminate them too, because it happened to someone so close and loved the most. I hate what they did for whatever reasons that they might give to justify their action. I used to think that they do not deserve to live.

One day, as I was doing another "social loafing" (aka couch potato-ing) with few friends at work, a friend of mine tried to attract our attention with the new video that some friend forwarded to her handphone.

We all gathered around, straining our eyes out just to see the video in her tiny Nokia phone with ever-so poor resolutions (yes, I do manage to squeeze my utter abhorrence towards Nokia phone).

It was a video of this girl who got beaten by the crowd after (as my friend explained) she was caught red-handed doing the act while riding as a pillion with her boyfriend (whom we assumed). He was lucky (again, assumed since he was not in the video) managed to escape, leaving the girl behind to pay the price.

We could see, despite through the small screen, as to how the crowd reacted to such crime. Petty crime, so petty indeed, but they were furious, livid, and were clearly dissatisfied with her act that they decided to teach her a lesson.

She was punched, and kicked profusely by several men twice her size. They continued to beat her for several minutes, non-stop and at one point one of them focused his blow on her head while the rest of the crowd viciously slurred at her with nasty words and spit at her without any mercy.

There were also times in the video where they humiliated her by trying to pull her trousers off and she would be too weak to even defend to her dignity that she was finally left with her t-shirts and panties only.

Some of us couldn't bear to watch anymore, as the beating continued on for few minutes. The crowd did not stop, and she was literally struggling for her life, covering her pain and dignity with what’s left in her when suddenly, this one guy, came out of nowhere with a big rock on his hand, struck her on her head with it and with full force.

With just that the girl stopped struggling. She was dead by that final blow alone.


Those who were watching that day went silent for awhile. We were all too stunned as we did not anticipate the outcome.


There could be no words to describe what we have seen that day. It’s like watching a murderer committed a murder. Or some pre-meditated murder, as witnessed and approved by us.

Some people said they get what they deserve. I know it’s true, but, still though, how come it felt so wrong?

Where an opinion is general, it is usually correct --- Jane Austen(1775-1817) English Novelist

If there is one thing I learned about human being is that, there is no such thing as perfect person.

No one is perfect, and no one should bet on their life that they have never said anything nasty or hurtful towards another in their life before. Or ever. I don't believe when some people said, if you tend to say things all for the wrong reasons, you have no friends or nobody would like you. I tend to disagree. Because you are an imperfect person. No one is.

It just goes to show that the person is just an ordinary human being, having its flaw and all. That's life, that's how it should be, and that's how you learn. Through your own mistakes.

There is no such things as perfect. Learn to live with it.

E-bay, more like yEay-let's waste our money there

Damn, damn.

Instead of spending my precious time doing some readings for my cases, or revising for the test next week, or drafting my statement in defence due tomorrow, I was consumed with the e-bay thingy.

Too consumed, perhaps that when a friend called, I was all "Oklah, busy ni", or "Em, ade hal lah, nnti call balik". I cancelled plans with my friend to do some shooping today, I didn't return call from several friends of mine (it's weekends) and not even replied any of the smses that until this one friend of mine, after I finally returned her call, she thought I was dead.

I was also like a mad man, trying to complete every household chores need to be attended with before my parent returned from their trips and come shrieking at my ears for not doing any. It's bad than those addicted to video games, or other weird obbsessions.

Initially, my intention was to do some browsing through the stuffs there. I had pretty bad day that morning and I was looking for a therapeutic alternative. The next thing I know, I became the member and have purchased several items off the rack. So much for my "supposed-to-window shopping-only".

Then, I stumbled through this great shoe. I was looking for the exact style for several months now and was lucky enough to find the exact style, and a nice European brand also that I wanted for only $10 only!.

Well, more like EUR 10 to be correct, which means around RM 42 something. Still a good bargain, right? Plus, to find great shoe at my size has been challenging thing to do (size 8-9). I saw the auction for this items are almost due (in nanoseconds, literally), so what I did, was pure impulse.

I proudly bid mine, with full knowledge that I cannot retract the bid back and totally have forgotten to look at the courier payment. It was EUR 20, far more expensive than the price of the shoe itself. So, that would be about RM 82!!!.

All in all, RM 42 something (for the shoe) + RM 82 something (for that stupid courier thingy), sob, sob (T_T)

equal to = RM124 ........


Someone please kill me, fast please

And, the payment to be made through the PayPal, and it comes with interest. Of course, why don't we add up the pain and suffering to be inflicted on me.

I really hope there would be other last-minute idiot to outbid me on this.
(Item No:320331678334, anyone? heheh)

It's longer than Lim Kit Siang's case

I remember the time where I had conversation with my sister about the Israel invading West Gaza some two years ago. I initiated the topic after I went back from my school where there was one particular guy at my school posed this question to the lecturer;

“Why should we stamp all Jews as bad persons?”,

“What if by nature the Jews are a good-natured, well behaved persons, why should we deem all of them as cruel and merciless race?”

“What about the Arabs who don't even bother to help their own race, and yet were too busy to maintain their luxurious lifestyle, too paranoid with having the thoughts that the rests of the worlds are looking at every opportunity to take away their rich oil?”

The lecturer could not answer his question.

I felt that I could argue back, filling his gap in regards to the background and the history, but, I decided not to. Deep inside, I admired his boldness to address the issue in different perspectives, and different than any other persons I know.

With me having the reserved personality, people sometimes misinterpreted me and has been deemed as vain girl before. I was told that I could not comprehend the deep issues especially in regards to the global issue. But I am not the kind of person who is easily jump at such conclusion made by a stranger to me, since what other thinks of me are not important.

I learned the history, the reasons why the Intifada movement been initiated, or why the Holocaust tragedy is said to have the ulterior motives behind, coying our sympathy towards Jews, and those were not something that I recently stumbled my interest with.

I became intrigued with the understanding to know the real issues and affairs between those claiming who's land and what-not especially after watching the movie “Paradise Now” (and yes, I have mentioned this movie before on this blogs). The movie was the reason and I choose to understand the issue that happened in Palestine from this kind of perspectives, through more subtle ways, and not by way of in-depth discussion over some mumbo-jumbo conferences, forums or participating in demonstrations as my way to express my concern over the issue.

Anyway, back to the story. When I posed my sister as to the same question as the guy who had asked the lecturer earlier, I provoked her just to get to know her thoughts. I was seeking for explanations as to why it is happening, the root for the cause of it to happen, rather than to blame another or cursing like hell publicly as if you know what you are talking about. As if that ought to stop anything.

Both of us agreed as to what the guy from my class was trying to say that day. People are so used to having been told what they should do and don't, more often than not did not even realise why they do it or why they hate it so much.

Like when I was once asked by a Chinese friend of mine as to why Muslim cannot arbitrarily touch a dog, she did raise several questions like, why we have to touch at certain circumstances and certain “samak” ritual after touching 'em. I couldn't immediately answer her. And I chose to ask around. Yet, not even one person could give a convincing reasons as to the real reason why.

I always reminding myself that it is important to educate yourself first before educating others. Know the history of something or someone first before getting involved seriously into it. Contribute your part if you truly believe in your standing. But towards what extent you could contribute to alleviate their sufferings?

For several years I did my part by actively becoming aware of the brand's source or origin, or the contribution that they did to equip the Israeli military. I disseminated any informations I knew, like the fact that Starbuck's company has expressly advocated the Israel's vision to invade the Palestanian land and were aimed to contribute a certain percentage of their profits towards achieving that mission.

But the fact at that point of time the issue has been the news in the past, the matter has been taken lightly. Consequently, so did I.

Though I would choose not to eat at Starbuck whenever I'm alone or whenever I have the opportunity, But I couldn't tell my friends when they choose to drink there, or choose to prefer McDonalds, or Dominos or KFC over Malay/Mamak/ or whatever Malaysian-based restaurant. Not because I would die if I didn't go there, or I would be naked with having nothing to wear aside from the America-Jewish brand, but the truth is that, it has become part of our way of life, in fact, part of Malaysian's life.

I can understand the issue that they wanted to ban the brands, all in the name of a good cause. But can we really do that? Forget the fact that America is already one of Malaysia's prime trade partner to begin with, but can we, personally are able to do that?

When a friend of mine being reminded by another friend by with those listed products and brands, trying to educate him by telling him to stop drinking this and that, eating at certain fast food or stop buying certain America-Jewish brand, all I could do is smile. I smile because I understood his carelessness as to the issue. Because he is just a human being, and he ought to make a mistake. Eventually, and unfortunately the rest of us will too and will soon forget that they would go back doing or using the “once-upon-a-time-a-banned-product” again.

I am shamefully part of the rest of the pact.

How I wish I could be like this friend of mine. He has banned all the America-Jewish products for several years now though he has once confided in me that it was not an easy things to do. He has to search all the way through small sundry shops just to avoid using any of the product intentionally and this took a lot of effort and contemplation on his part.

With him, I have also asked the same question that I asked my sister, again to provoke, his thoughts this time. Upon asking him the questions, suddenly he cracked a smile. He then replied and his answer was simple and concise.

He said, though his contribution may not be enough, but he felt that he has tried to do his part the best he knows how. And to him, that what matters the most.

“the best he knows how”. I like this part the best.

While it may look small and so insignificant, but at least he has achieved his personal contributions. What have I done to contribute mine?

My Autobiography

Around last week we were asked to do an essay, or more like biography about ourselves from this one lecturer. At first, the idea of making such biography seemed so unimportant, and trivial chores to do. Nonetheless, I did my essay in less than 10 minutes.

It was the 10 minutes of emotional truth about myself, which, as I was writing it, I had tears in my eyes. Instead of making a biography about myself and my achievements, I decided to become a storyteller of my own story, about my path and my struggle just to be where I am now.

Now, I did mention in the previous entry of my blog that I was afraid of being this ungrateful jerk. I sounded regretful for discovering the right path at the late stage of my age, doing my degree in Law, in which, the dream I once thought would be lost before from me.

In the essay itself, I allowed myself to be exposed, and as true as the story itself, I constructed my word and described it the way I intended it to be remembered. I described as to how I made so many mistakes in the past and so many path that I had to endure just to reach where I am now. Whilst there could be half of my class who had choose wisely on their early age as to what they want to be and do well, well, in my case, it wasn't as easy and as that direct.

I was young, and stupid. I knew I could do well without realising that to achieve your dreams you have to work, and work hard for it. I was ignorant back then, consumed with unrealistic facts that I have achieved well and scored well before, that I thought I did not need any of the effort to make it happen. I skipped school, just because I thought I could still manage to cope after that. I stopped my study because I thought I could be better off doing something else, and I did not study well because I thought I could still nevertheless score well. My thought is more like my fate to failing myself, in catastrophic way.

As I conclude the essay, I remember back the time where I used to be this ungrateful jerk, a lot. I feel ashamed for allowing myself to think like that; the selfishness, so full of myself. I did nothing to make any effort, but yet blaming my circumstances for it.

It was truly a wake-up call for me. I have always thought, but the thoughts alone won't get you anywhere. Instead, it left you wondered all by yourself in your own thoughts that in the end, it would only let you make your own silly conclusion and false accusations.

But the truth and the matter a fact is, I was afraid to continue on with my life. I am the person who is that afraid of the future, whether it is certain or uncertain, as I tend to think negatively of myself. I know it sounds silly, but it was the real reason why I became consciously aware of changes in my life, or allowing other persons or other elements inside my life. I was so afraid because of my failures in the past, that I failed to embrace my future wholeheartedly.

Nonetheless, at the end of my essay, I said that I was content with myself, pleased with the achievement that I have now more than anything that I have ever achieved before and looking forward for my future career.

On that point I did not lie. Because I am learning, though at crawling speed, to take the matter seriously is to take your own action. Because to get something, is not enough with having all the positive thoughts in your head, but rather, to take action and make your effort towards achieving it. Even a blind man could see your effort, if you are honest to work towards achieving it. I learned it all through hard, bitter ways, but it's all worth it. Because I couldn't bear watching myself being this ungrateful jerk ever again.