Morality is a private and costly luxury -- Henry Brooks Adams (1838-1918) American Historian

This is a true story.

My sister has endured traumatising experience when her bag got snatched some two months ago. She said it happened so fast that she could not react. She barely moved and could only watched the motorcyclist kissed her goodbye as he ran off.

My mother had experienced it twice. In fact, it was a lot worst. She was walking in areas teeming with passers-by when it happened, and in both occassions she had her handbag being snatched by a pillon rider on a motorcycle. She was smart, though, to have let the bag off her. But the second time it happened, she said that, she was suddenly enraged that her first instinct was to clutch her bag tighter, instead of giving up to those low-life thieves. She further said, though she did not manage to secure it in the end, she did pull a really good fight with them. Heck, I believed that, and I know she could do better than that if she wanted to. She’s a soldier, not just by her rank, but by her heart as well.

Nonetheless, in all those occassions, not one came to their aid. But, I guess those who were there were as stunnned as them to have acted quickly or to have acted at all. (positives, positives).

Some people. Too desperate to continue on with their life, that they would resort in making another miserable instead. What they took not only the victim’s material possessions, I think, but the psychological effects that it has are much greater and severe. My mother, until now her heart tends to go cold whenever she hears a motorcycle. She would step aside, look at the motorcyclists and wait for him to go past before she walks on.

If I were that motorcyclist, being put into position of having been stared by some random strangers as if you were ought to do some crime; I would be offended by that stare. But, I understood the fear coming from her experience that she resort to discriminating them in general.

I discriminate them too, because it happened to someone so close and loved the most. I hate what they did for whatever reasons that they might give to justify their action. I used to think that they do not deserve to live.

One day, as I was doing another "social loafing" (aka couch potato-ing) with few friends at work, a friend of mine tried to attract our attention with the new video that some friend forwarded to her handphone.

We all gathered around, straining our eyes out just to see the video in her tiny Nokia phone with ever-so poor resolutions (yes, I do manage to squeeze my utter abhorrence towards Nokia phone).

It was a video of this girl who got beaten by the crowd after (as my friend explained) she was caught red-handed doing the act while riding as a pillion with her boyfriend (whom we assumed). He was lucky (again, assumed since he was not in the video) managed to escape, leaving the girl behind to pay the price.

We could see, despite through the small screen, as to how the crowd reacted to such crime. Petty crime, so petty indeed, but they were furious, livid, and were clearly dissatisfied with her act that they decided to teach her a lesson.

She was punched, and kicked profusely by several men twice her size. They continued to beat her for several minutes, non-stop and at one point one of them focused his blow on her head while the rest of the crowd viciously slurred at her with nasty words and spit at her without any mercy.

There were also times in the video where they humiliated her by trying to pull her trousers off and she would be too weak to even defend to her dignity that she was finally left with her t-shirts and panties only.

Some of us couldn't bear to watch anymore, as the beating continued on for few minutes. The crowd did not stop, and she was literally struggling for her life, covering her pain and dignity with what’s left in her when suddenly, this one guy, came out of nowhere with a big rock on his hand, struck her on her head with it and with full force.

With just that the girl stopped struggling. She was dead by that final blow alone.


Those who were watching that day went silent for awhile. We were all too stunned as we did not anticipate the outcome.


There could be no words to describe what we have seen that day. It’s like watching a murderer committed a murder. Or some pre-meditated murder, as witnessed and approved by us.

Some people said they get what they deserve. I know it’s true, but, still though, how come it felt so wrong?

Where an opinion is general, it is usually correct --- Jane Austen(1775-1817) English Novelist

If there is one thing I learned about human being is that, there is no such thing as perfect person.

No one is perfect, and no one should bet on their life that they have never said anything nasty or hurtful towards another in their life before. Or ever. I don't believe when some people said, if you tend to say things all for the wrong reasons, you have no friends or nobody would like you. I tend to disagree. Because you are an imperfect person. No one is.

It just goes to show that the person is just an ordinary human being, having its flaw and all. That's life, that's how it should be, and that's how you learn. Through your own mistakes.

There is no such things as perfect. Learn to live with it.

E-bay, more like yEay-let's waste our money there

Damn, damn.

Instead of spending my precious time doing some readings for my cases, or revising for the test next week, or drafting my statement in defence due tomorrow, I was consumed with the e-bay thingy.

Too consumed, perhaps that when a friend called, I was all "Oklah, busy ni", or "Em, ade hal lah, nnti call balik". I cancelled plans with my friend to do some shooping today, I didn't return call from several friends of mine (it's weekends) and not even replied any of the smses that until this one friend of mine, after I finally returned her call, she thought I was dead.

I was also like a mad man, trying to complete every household chores need to be attended with before my parent returned from their trips and come shrieking at my ears for not doing any. It's bad than those addicted to video games, or other weird obbsessions.

Initially, my intention was to do some browsing through the stuffs there. I had pretty bad day that morning and I was looking for a therapeutic alternative. The next thing I know, I became the member and have purchased several items off the rack. So much for my "supposed-to-window shopping-only".

Then, I stumbled through this great shoe. I was looking for the exact style for several months now and was lucky enough to find the exact style, and a nice European brand also that I wanted for only $10 only!.

Well, more like EUR 10 to be correct, which means around RM 42 something. Still a good bargain, right? Plus, to find great shoe at my size has been challenging thing to do (size 8-9). I saw the auction for this items are almost due (in nanoseconds, literally), so what I did, was pure impulse.

I proudly bid mine, with full knowledge that I cannot retract the bid back and totally have forgotten to look at the courier payment. It was EUR 20, far more expensive than the price of the shoe itself. So, that would be about RM 82!!!.

All in all, RM 42 something (for the shoe) + RM 82 something (for that stupid courier thingy), sob, sob (T_T)

equal to = RM124 ........


Someone please kill me, fast please

And, the payment to be made through the PayPal, and it comes with interest. Of course, why don't we add up the pain and suffering to be inflicted on me.

I really hope there would be other last-minute idiot to outbid me on this.
(Item No:320331678334, anyone? heheh)

It's longer than Lim Kit Siang's case

I remember the time where I had conversation with my sister about the Israel invading West Gaza some two years ago. I initiated the topic after I went back from my school where there was one particular guy at my school posed this question to the lecturer;

“Why should we stamp all Jews as bad persons?”,

“What if by nature the Jews are a good-natured, well behaved persons, why should we deem all of them as cruel and merciless race?”

“What about the Arabs who don't even bother to help their own race, and yet were too busy to maintain their luxurious lifestyle, too paranoid with having the thoughts that the rests of the worlds are looking at every opportunity to take away their rich oil?”

The lecturer could not answer his question.

I felt that I could argue back, filling his gap in regards to the background and the history, but, I decided not to. Deep inside, I admired his boldness to address the issue in different perspectives, and different than any other persons I know.

With me having the reserved personality, people sometimes misinterpreted me and has been deemed as vain girl before. I was told that I could not comprehend the deep issues especially in regards to the global issue. But I am not the kind of person who is easily jump at such conclusion made by a stranger to me, since what other thinks of me are not important.

I learned the history, the reasons why the Intifada movement been initiated, or why the Holocaust tragedy is said to have the ulterior motives behind, coying our sympathy towards Jews, and those were not something that I recently stumbled my interest with.

I became intrigued with the understanding to know the real issues and affairs between those claiming who's land and what-not especially after watching the movie “Paradise Now” (and yes, I have mentioned this movie before on this blogs). The movie was the reason and I choose to understand the issue that happened in Palestine from this kind of perspectives, through more subtle ways, and not by way of in-depth discussion over some mumbo-jumbo conferences, forums or participating in demonstrations as my way to express my concern over the issue.

Anyway, back to the story. When I posed my sister as to the same question as the guy who had asked the lecturer earlier, I provoked her just to get to know her thoughts. I was seeking for explanations as to why it is happening, the root for the cause of it to happen, rather than to blame another or cursing like hell publicly as if you know what you are talking about. As if that ought to stop anything.

Both of us agreed as to what the guy from my class was trying to say that day. People are so used to having been told what they should do and don't, more often than not did not even realise why they do it or why they hate it so much.

Like when I was once asked by a Chinese friend of mine as to why Muslim cannot arbitrarily touch a dog, she did raise several questions like, why we have to touch at certain circumstances and certain “samak” ritual after touching 'em. I couldn't immediately answer her. And I chose to ask around. Yet, not even one person could give a convincing reasons as to the real reason why.

I always reminding myself that it is important to educate yourself first before educating others. Know the history of something or someone first before getting involved seriously into it. Contribute your part if you truly believe in your standing. But towards what extent you could contribute to alleviate their sufferings?

For several years I did my part by actively becoming aware of the brand's source or origin, or the contribution that they did to equip the Israeli military. I disseminated any informations I knew, like the fact that Starbuck's company has expressly advocated the Israel's vision to invade the Palestanian land and were aimed to contribute a certain percentage of their profits towards achieving that mission.

But the fact at that point of time the issue has been the news in the past, the matter has been taken lightly. Consequently, so did I.

Though I would choose not to eat at Starbuck whenever I'm alone or whenever I have the opportunity, But I couldn't tell my friends when they choose to drink there, or choose to prefer McDonalds, or Dominos or KFC over Malay/Mamak/ or whatever Malaysian-based restaurant. Not because I would die if I didn't go there, or I would be naked with having nothing to wear aside from the America-Jewish brand, but the truth is that, it has become part of our way of life, in fact, part of Malaysian's life.

I can understand the issue that they wanted to ban the brands, all in the name of a good cause. But can we really do that? Forget the fact that America is already one of Malaysia's prime trade partner to begin with, but can we, personally are able to do that?

When a friend of mine being reminded by another friend by with those listed products and brands, trying to educate him by telling him to stop drinking this and that, eating at certain fast food or stop buying certain America-Jewish brand, all I could do is smile. I smile because I understood his carelessness as to the issue. Because he is just a human being, and he ought to make a mistake. Eventually, and unfortunately the rest of us will too and will soon forget that they would go back doing or using the “once-upon-a-time-a-banned-product” again.

I am shamefully part of the rest of the pact.

How I wish I could be like this friend of mine. He has banned all the America-Jewish products for several years now though he has once confided in me that it was not an easy things to do. He has to search all the way through small sundry shops just to avoid using any of the product intentionally and this took a lot of effort and contemplation on his part.

With him, I have also asked the same question that I asked my sister, again to provoke, his thoughts this time. Upon asking him the questions, suddenly he cracked a smile. He then replied and his answer was simple and concise.

He said, though his contribution may not be enough, but he felt that he has tried to do his part the best he knows how. And to him, that what matters the most.

“the best he knows how”. I like this part the best.

While it may look small and so insignificant, but at least he has achieved his personal contributions. What have I done to contribute mine?

My Autobiography

Around last week we were asked to do an essay, or more like biography about ourselves from this one lecturer. At first, the idea of making such biography seemed so unimportant, and trivial chores to do. Nonetheless, I did my essay in less than 10 minutes.

It was the 10 minutes of emotional truth about myself, which, as I was writing it, I had tears in my eyes. Instead of making a biography about myself and my achievements, I decided to become a storyteller of my own story, about my path and my struggle just to be where I am now.

Now, I did mention in the previous entry of my blog that I was afraid of being this ungrateful jerk. I sounded regretful for discovering the right path at the late stage of my age, doing my degree in Law, in which, the dream I once thought would be lost before from me.

In the essay itself, I allowed myself to be exposed, and as true as the story itself, I constructed my word and described it the way I intended it to be remembered. I described as to how I made so many mistakes in the past and so many path that I had to endure just to reach where I am now. Whilst there could be half of my class who had choose wisely on their early age as to what they want to be and do well, well, in my case, it wasn't as easy and as that direct.

I was young, and stupid. I knew I could do well without realising that to achieve your dreams you have to work, and work hard for it. I was ignorant back then, consumed with unrealistic facts that I have achieved well and scored well before, that I thought I did not need any of the effort to make it happen. I skipped school, just because I thought I could still manage to cope after that. I stopped my study because I thought I could be better off doing something else, and I did not study well because I thought I could still nevertheless score well. My thought is more like my fate to failing myself, in catastrophic way.

As I conclude the essay, I remember back the time where I used to be this ungrateful jerk, a lot. I feel ashamed for allowing myself to think like that; the selfishness, so full of myself. I did nothing to make any effort, but yet blaming my circumstances for it.

It was truly a wake-up call for me. I have always thought, but the thoughts alone won't get you anywhere. Instead, it left you wondered all by yourself in your own thoughts that in the end, it would only let you make your own silly conclusion and false accusations.

But the truth and the matter a fact is, I was afraid to continue on with my life. I am the person who is that afraid of the future, whether it is certain or uncertain, as I tend to think negatively of myself. I know it sounds silly, but it was the real reason why I became consciously aware of changes in my life, or allowing other persons or other elements inside my life. I was so afraid because of my failures in the past, that I failed to embrace my future wholeheartedly.

Nonetheless, at the end of my essay, I said that I was content with myself, pleased with the achievement that I have now more than anything that I have ever achieved before and looking forward for my future career.

On that point I did not lie. Because I am learning, though at crawling speed, to take the matter seriously is to take your own action. Because to get something, is not enough with having all the positive thoughts in your head, but rather, to take action and make your effort towards achieving it. Even a blind man could see your effort, if you are honest to work towards achieving it. I learned it all through hard, bitter ways, but it's all worth it. Because I couldn't bear watching myself being this ungrateful jerk ever again.