My Autobiography

Around last week we were asked to do an essay, or more like biography about ourselves from this one lecturer. At first, the idea of making such biography seemed so unimportant, and trivial chores to do. Nonetheless, I did my essay in less than 10 minutes.

It was the 10 minutes of emotional truth about myself, which, as I was writing it, I had tears in my eyes. Instead of making a biography about myself and my achievements, I decided to become a storyteller of my own story, about my path and my struggle just to be where I am now.

Now, I did mention in the previous entry of my blog that I was afraid of being this ungrateful jerk. I sounded regretful for discovering the right path at the late stage of my age, doing my degree in Law, in which, the dream I once thought would be lost before from me.

In the essay itself, I allowed myself to be exposed, and as true as the story itself, I constructed my word and described it the way I intended it to be remembered. I described as to how I made so many mistakes in the past and so many path that I had to endure just to reach where I am now. Whilst there could be half of my class who had choose wisely on their early age as to what they want to be and do well, well, in my case, it wasn't as easy and as that direct.

I was young, and stupid. I knew I could do well without realising that to achieve your dreams you have to work, and work hard for it. I was ignorant back then, consumed with unrealistic facts that I have achieved well and scored well before, that I thought I did not need any of the effort to make it happen. I skipped school, just because I thought I could still manage to cope after that. I stopped my study because I thought I could be better off doing something else, and I did not study well because I thought I could still nevertheless score well. My thought is more like my fate to failing myself, in catastrophic way.

As I conclude the essay, I remember back the time where I used to be this ungrateful jerk, a lot. I feel ashamed for allowing myself to think like that; the selfishness, so full of myself. I did nothing to make any effort, but yet blaming my circumstances for it.

It was truly a wake-up call for me. I have always thought, but the thoughts alone won't get you anywhere. Instead, it left you wondered all by yourself in your own thoughts that in the end, it would only let you make your own silly conclusion and false accusations.

But the truth and the matter a fact is, I was afraid to continue on with my life. I am the person who is that afraid of the future, whether it is certain or uncertain, as I tend to think negatively of myself. I know it sounds silly, but it was the real reason why I became consciously aware of changes in my life, or allowing other persons or other elements inside my life. I was so afraid because of my failures in the past, that I failed to embrace my future wholeheartedly.

Nonetheless, at the end of my essay, I said that I was content with myself, pleased with the achievement that I have now more than anything that I have ever achieved before and looking forward for my future career.

On that point I did not lie. Because I am learning, though at crawling speed, to take the matter seriously is to take your own action. Because to get something, is not enough with having all the positive thoughts in your head, but rather, to take action and make your effort towards achieving it. Even a blind man could see your effort, if you are honest to work towards achieving it. I learned it all through hard, bitter ways, but it's all worth it. Because I couldn't bear watching myself being this ungrateful jerk ever again.